Guest ElizabethLee

Romances formed per year At Conferences

103 posts in this topic

hi Pooja!

I think your comment doesn't make your position clear?

Really ? Well, I could state it like this :

- If the Singles meet were not geared towards meeting someone to date, then Elle and boyfriend could attend of course but

- assuming the next year's event would be the same as this year, then it would be geared towards meeting someone to date (right, Organizer ?) and since Elle wasn't really asking about the second scenario so I guess my "absolutely NOT" response was inappropriately funny or funnily inappropriate (depending upon whether you found it to be more inappropriate or more funny :))

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And in conclusion, I will continue to attend singles events of my choosing as long as I am not married.

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And in conclusion, I will continue to attend singles events of my choosing as long as I am not married.

I don't know the opinions of the singles looking for romance, nor do I know the status of your relationship with your boyfriend. But I would think that "singles-only" type of events should probably be limited to those who are not in an exclusive relationship; and that those who are in exclusive relationships should exclude themselves -- if the purpose of the group is specifically to serve as a means for the members to meet others who are in the market for romance.

Singles could/should also come to events not meant only for singles, if they want to. So I would hope that there would either be some events for non-singles too; or, as Stephen mentioned, maybe at least a nice place available all the time for the purpose of casual social interaction for any and all conference attendees.

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And in conclusion, I will continue to attend singles events of my choosing as long as I am not married.
But if the purpose of the event is to introduce romance-seeking singles to each other, wouldn't you be misrepresenting yourself if you attended?

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But if the purpose of the event is to introduce romance-seeking singles to each other, wouldn't you be misrepresenting yourself if you attended?

The 'singles' get-togethers I have gone to, both with and without my boyfriend, have such a wonderful dynamic - as opposed to the married crowd where people tend to be twice my age AND keep mainly to their own small groups and don't make much of an effort to mix or mingle. No offense to those lovely married couples I know, but you are a unique bunch.

It would depend on how the event was advertised and set up... if the theme was explicitly romantic (say, a Singles Valentine's cruise) I think I would definitely abstain... unless my boyfriend was interested in playing out the fantasy of meeting for the first time all over again and having a wildly adventurous time on the boat... :)

Otherwise, at a casual event billed as a 'Single's Night' I might enjoy mingling and would openly let those who might care to flirt know that I was taken. Last time I checked it wasn't against the law (or immoral) to break the social rules, especially when I'm buying my own drinks and fooling no one. And it can be fun... for both of us.

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Phew ! It is not just about singles, married, divorced or widowed, is it ? There is also: attached, unattached, seeing somebody, recently started to date, have been approached but making up my mind, have a "ms. right-now" but looking for "ms. right", on-a-break, in an exclusive relationship, etc. etc. Anybody feeling lucky yet to be happily married ?

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I think I've heard that speech before... LOL. It didn't work at all.

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The 'singles' get-togethers I have gone to, both with and without my boyfriend, have such a wonderful dynamic - as opposed to the married crowd where people tend to be twice my age AND keep mainly to their own small groups and don't make much of an effort to mix or mingle. No offense to those lovely married couples I know, but you are a unique bunch.

Mmm....is it possible that the wonderful dynamic is because single people are looking for other *single* people and have to move and talk interestingly in order to do so? while married people are less likely to mingle beyond a certain point because they're married?

Or perhaps you can clarify what you mean by "dynamic"? What is so dynamic about singles events that you can't get in regular events not billed as singles' events? Give me an example of the...dynamic...conversation?

It would depend on how the event was advertised and set up... if the theme was explicitly romantic (say, a Singles Valentine's cruise) I think I would definitely abstain... Otherwise, at a casual event billed as a 'Single's Night' I might enjoy mingling and would openly let those who might care to flirt know that I was taken.

I don't see a distinction between the two events: they are united by the essential term, "single."

Last time I checked it wasn't against the law (or immoral) to break the social rules, especially when I'm buying my own drinks and fooling no one. And it can be fun... for both of us.

It may not be immoral to break social rules, but it is usually immoral to mislead other people looking to enter into serious contract - even if it's only for 5 minutes.

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Damn, Joel!

I don't know what point you are trying to make with this. But you just reinforced my staunch refusual to ever engage in this disgusting practice called "dating". I've only met a handful of romantic candidates in my life -- all in non "singles" situations. And I'm talking about maybe four women in twenty years.

I've never "met" women in a "singles" situation. So attending one seems as appealing as root canal surgery.

If this seems misanthropic to readers, I plead guilty. At this point, I'd rather die alone than date. At least then I know I'd be able to stand the company.

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Mmm....is it possible that the wonderful dynamic is because single people are looking for other *single* people and have to move and talk interestingly in order to do so? while married people are less likely to mingle beyond a certain point because they're married?

Or perhaps you can clarify what you mean by "dynamic"? What is so dynamic about singles events that you can't get in regular events not billed as singles' events? Give me an example of the...dynamic...conversation?

I don't see a distinction between the two events: they are united by the essential term, "single."

It may not be immoral to break social rules, but it is usually immoral to mislead other people looking to enter into serious contract - even if it's only for 5 minutes.

They are dynamic because people are more open to introducing themselves to one-another and generally more willing to have exploratory conversations to find out about others. I think that people are considered "Singles" until they are married or engaged.

I don't think it's misleading to go to a Singles event when you would consider yourself unavailable - as long as you don't give someone the impression that pursuing you is going to be rewarded if it isn't. For example, I attend Singles events through a Seattle organization called Young Professionals. These are networking events billed as Singles nights - but it's pretty easy to make it clear to others what values you are and are not seeking from other people. You can even say "Oh, I'm not actually single..." - if you're a paying customer no one is going to ask you to leave.

Just by walking in the room you are not stating that you are looking to enter into a serious contract - people with all sorts of interests attend these events. From wanting to make friends, to making networking connections for your career, to casual dating, to serious romance, all these values can be had at these kinds of events.

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If this seems misanthropic to readers, I plead guilty. At this point, I'd rather die alone than date. At least then I know I'd be able to stand the company.

That's really sad.

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I don't think it's misleading to go to a Singles event when you would consider yourself unavailable - as long as you don't give someone the impression that pursuing you is going to be rewarded if it isn't. For example, I attend Singles events through a Seattle organization called Young Professionals. These are networking events billed as Singles nights - but it's pretty easy to make it clear to others what values you are and are not seeking from other people. You can even say "Oh, I'm not actually single..." - if you're a paying customer no one is going to ask you to leave.

Just by walking in the room you are not stating that you are looking to enter into a serious contract - people with all sorts of interests attend these events. From wanting to make friends, to making networking connections for your career, to casual dating, to serious romance, all these values can be had at these kinds of events.

I am thinking that if I were attached/engaged/married or even "into" a guy, I would not feel comfortable going to an event declared as being "for Singles" - and I can think of more than one reason for that.

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Perhaps we should introduce the "I'm not single!" T-shirts at this point? :)

It would get rid of the confusion that might arise, even though it's not very subtle...

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I think that people are considered "Singles" until they are married or engaged.

Well, you may think so, but it is certainly not the case. To be single means "not part of a couple," i.e., to be unattached. Words have specific meanings based on reality; they are not defined by what we think.

I don't think it's misleading to go to a Singles event when you would consider yourself unavailable - as long as you don't give someone the impression that pursuing you is going to be rewarded if it isn't.

Your presence there is the impression: you, assuming you are attractive, would lead a serious individual down a false path, costing him the time he may have spent chatting up an actually single girl, who would, by the time you came clean, have been taken by another. He can't then go and chat with the nice single girl -- no-one likes being considered a second choice.

These are networking events billed as Singles nights - but it's pretty easy to make it clear to others what values you are and are not seeking from other people. You can even say "Oh, I'm not actually single..." - if you're a paying customer no one is going to ask you to leave.

Paying for food and drinks is no justification for misrepresentation. By that logic, people could crash weddings and then simply leave the payment for what they ate and drank as their "gift" for the couple.

Just by walking in the room you are not stating that you are looking to enter into a serious contract - people with all sorts of interests attend these events. From wanting to make friends, to making networking connections for your career, to casual dating, to serious romance, all these values can be had at these kinds of events.

[Emphasis added.]

And what does that say about the state of the culture and its disregard for the proper use of concepts? Why call these events "Singles events"? If they are simply designed to facilitate the interaction of any people, single or not, why not just say so? Why not call them "mixers" or some other proper name?

[by the way, I'm not single.]

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Perhaps we should introduce the "I'm not single!" T-shirts at this point? :)
Though you jest, this is not as far-fetched as it sounds. Traditionally, people have used dress to indicate such things. Engagement rings, marriage rings, Indian "sindoor" all serve a similar purpose.

If a "single" knew that a particular person was married, they would act accordingly. I think if everyone knew where everyone else stood, everyone would be happy and would enjoy themselves.

So, get working on a T-shirt, or at least on a dress-code.

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At this point, I'd rather die alone than date. At least then I know I'd be able to stand the company.
Amen, brother!
That's really sad.
Given my adventures in dating since becoming single again, I have to emphatically disagree. What has happened to women's attitudes in the last 20 years? What seems to prevail is "Male == Pathetic Doofus." Well, to hell with that.

That Salon article is right on the mark. I'm fully convinced at this point that I will never be in another relationship of any kind - it's not worth the degradation.

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...

Given my adventures in dating since becoming single again, I have to emphatically disagree. What has happened to women's attitudes in the last 20 years? What seems to prevail is "Male == Pathetic Doofus." Well, to hell with that.

I have no idea what you're talking about - what is it about women's attitudes that you don't like? And what about dating do you think has gotten worse over the last 20 years? Do you think it is common that lots of attached women misrepresent themselves as being single (as the linked article implies)? If so, I sympathize, but I just did not think it's that common.

....

Speaking for myself on the wider question, if I attended a singles event, I'd sure think that its purpose would be to facilitate the meeting of potential romantic partners - else, why limit it to single people? So if at such an event I ended up wasting time talking to a woman who was in fact attached, I would indeed consider myself deceived. (I haven't been to a singles event for a while, so if it's really the case that many of the people attending these are in fact attached, I've been forewarned. That would be a good reason to not look for romance there.)

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If this seems misanthropic to readers, I plead guilty. At this point, I'd rather die alone than date. At least then I know I'd be able to stand the company.

That's really sad.

Given my adventures in dating since becoming single again, I have to emphatically disagree. What has happened to women's attitudes in the last 20 years? What seems to prevail is "Male == Pathetic Doofus." Well, to hell with that.

That Salon article is right on the mark. I'm fully convinced at this point that I will never be in another relationship of any kind - it's not worth the degradation.

It does sadden me not to have anybody special. I really do want to find Miss Right and make her Mrs. Hacker, even though I've become somewhat pessimistic that such a thing will ever happen.

But I keep getting told that, at my age, I have to "play the numbers". The more dates I go on, the better the odds are. So the premise goes. (It is, after all, the whole premise behind speed dating.)

The problem is that the vast majority of women I have dated are decent and honest, but uninteresting. I find myself having to dumb down what I'm saying within the first few minutes. But all too often I've run into many of the dishonest types that the article mentioned. And every now and again, I run into the escaped mental patient. (Those are the ones that really rattle me: they seem so normal. Until ...)

I think feminism's influence is only a small part of my bad experience since I can spot the angry feminist type from a mile away. My personal hypothesis is that women are taught from a young age that it acceptable for them not to be rational. That's a man's job, or so that line of thought goes.

After two decades, I have grown sick and tired of navigating this human minefield that is the dating scene to only discover mediocrity. If this be pathos, make the most of it.

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I have no idea what you're talking about - what is it about women's attitudes that you don't like? And what about dating do you think has gotten worse over the last 20 years? Do you think it is common that lots of attached women misrepresent themselves as being single (as the linked article implies)? If so, I sympathize, but I just did not think it's that common.

It's happened to me a few times. One time I was dating someone for several months before I found out she was married. Another claimed to be separated and was not. Some had boyfriends.

I've also encountered a number who seem to interpret interest as some kind of weakness, reacting with disdain or condescension. This is significantly different than when I was younger. Back then I had quite a lot more than my "fair share" of relationships, and met very few women who acted like the ones I meet these days.

Then again, maybe it's me.

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I think I've heard that speech before... LOL. It didn't work at all.

A friend of mine dragged me into one of those dating courses. I only relented because it was free.

But the career dater who ran the course did give me a bit of free advice. It was about "the speech". Well, not quite a speech, but explicitly making it a point of discussing the importance of honesty on the first date.

As the instructor put it, ask: "What is your policy on lying?" Then lay down the law that you have a zero tolerance policy for dishonesty, and that after even the littlest white lie you would permanently end the relationship -- whatever shape it may take. This advice was offered to both women and men.

I can see why any honest woman would laugh at something like this. To her, it's condescending. Sort of like a national campaign to "click it or ticket" was like telling me not drink cyanide was in another thread. But unfortunately, in today's culture, these things need to be said.

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But then, what is the best course of action to take there? It doesn't sound like a very good alternative to me...

It seems that either you are honest and say things that are obvious (and condescending) towards those people you would truly be interested in, or you have to find out the hard way if someone is actually honest or not.

What one could do, perhaps, is talk in a more casual manner about how much you value honesty (for example). I mean, if you bring it up as part of normal conversation you might be able to judge from her reaction what the person in question thinks of something like that.

Does anyone have a good idea on how to communicate that you value honesty without potentially offending the honest, rational women out there?

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Though you jest, this is not as far-fetched as it sounds. Traditionally, people have used dress to indicate such things. Engagement rings, marriage rings, Indian "sindoor" all serve a similar purpose.

If a "single" knew that a particular person was married, they would act accordingly. I think if everyone knew where everyone else stood, everyone would be happy and would enjoy themselves.

So, get working on a T-shirt, or at least on a dress-code.

Do you think that it would be proper for a person to go to single's events if they clearly showed that they are taken? Then if someone there still wants to talk to them they know in advance that it won't help them romantically.

I would suggest that the frustrating part is mainly for a single that you do not know someone is taken until much later; this would at least help prevent that in these events :)

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Does anyone have a good idea on how to communicate that you value honesty without potentially offending the honest, rational women out there?
I see three possibilities here:

1. Your date (woman or man - it surely applies to both) is dishonest, in which case she'll likely take offense, which is what dishonest people usually do when questioned about their honesty.

2. Your date is honest but ignorant of the fact that many are not honest when dating and so assumes honesty in others, and so might take your concern with honesty as an insult.

3. Your date is honest, knows that the two of you don't really know each other yet, and understands that your concern about honesty is genuine and not only is not meant to be insulting but also is in fact not an insult, precisely because so many people are dishonest in dating. No offense offered, none taken.

If you meet a woman like #3, get me her number. :)

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