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Jokes

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My favorite philosophy joke:

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. "Beer?" asks the bartender. "I think not," Descartes replies, and instantly vanishes.

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A sign at the Inn reads: Heisenberg probably slept here.

A hovercraft: A falling cat always lands feet up. Buttered toast always lands buttered side down. So, attach a face-up slice of buttered toast to the back of a falling cat and the cat-toast system will hover forever, just above the ground.

Q: What do you call an eye doctor who works on an Island off the coast of Alaska?

A: An optical Aleutian.

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"Cat-toast system" - OMFGROTFLMAO!!!

Everyone has jokes that they laugh at no matter how often they've heard them - that one gets me every time!

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I have one, but nobody thinks it's funny except me.

Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A: A cloud.

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I have one, but nobody thinks it's funny except me.

Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A: A cloud.

Incorrect! I think it's funny, too! :)

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Okay, here are two old philosophical chestnuts:

Sartre went into a cafe and ordered a coffee with sugar, but no cream. The waitress soon came back and said, "I'm sorry, Mr. Sartre. We are all out of cream - how about with no milk."

Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything.

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Okay, here are two old philosophical chestnuts:

Sartre went into a cafe and ordered a coffee with sugar, but no cream.  The waitress soon came back and said, "I'm sorry, Mr. Sartre.  We are all out of cream - how about with no milk."

Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything.

I assume you know the follow-up to the Buddhist joke, recently posted by Paul & Diana Hsieh

A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cashbox and closes it. "Excuse me, but where's my change?" asks the Zen master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

:)

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I assume you know the follow-up to the Buddhist joke, recently posted by Paul & Diana Hsieh

Thanks, Gideon. I had not heard that before. Very clever!

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A hovercraft: A falling cat always lands feet up. Buttered toast always lands buttered side down. So, attach a face-up slice of buttered toast to the back of a falling cat and the cat-toast system will hover forever, just above the ground.

That reminds me of the line from Monty Python in Search of the Holy Grail: "Who are you, brave knight, who is so wise in the ways of science?"

But remember that a cat always lands on its feet. So the cat-toast system will not only hover just above the ground, but it will also spin at 5000 RPM. An array of 500 buttered cats can be used to power a light rail train at 100 mph. :)

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That reminds me of the line from Monty Python in Search of the Holy Grail: "Who are you, brave knight, who is so wise in the ways of science?"

But remember that a cat always lands on its feet. So the cat-toast system will not only hover just above the ground, but it will also spin at 5000 RPM. An array of 500 buttered cats can be used to power a light rail train at 100 mph.  :)

Yes, you are right. Rotation it is. I am really a very bad joke teller (I can't remember them), but after I posted I realized I left out a part, but decided to let it go. It took a spaceman to notice. :)

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Q: How many International Space Station engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Who cares? All of the spare parts were scrubbed in the last NASA budget cut.

:)

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Q:  How many Objectivists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.

Beautiful!

I don't want to turn this into an analysis of humor (please, if anyone wants to do that, start a new thread :)), but have you ever noticed how often is it that the best jokes accentuate or concretize some really important point? I laughed really hard over this one, but for a totally different reason than for the "cat-toast" joke.

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How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, every bulb holds the seeds of its own revolution.

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Q:  How many Objectivists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.

But as the shrink said; "It has to want to change."

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What does an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic do?

He lies awake late at night pondering the existence of doG!

:)

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Okay, I'm a little late with this one:

Jesus is up on the cross. There's a crowd gathered at the base, Roman soldiers are there to keep order.

Jesus calls out: "Peter, Peter. . . "

Peter, upon hearing this, makes his way through the crowd, but, a soldier pushes him away.

Again, Jesus calls out: "Peter, Peter. . . "

Peter, again, makes his way through the crowd to ge t to his master. And, again, a Roman pushes him away telling him to get lost.

"Peter, Peter. . . "

After getting through the crowd, Peter deftly sidesteps the soldier to get to the base of Jesus' cross.

Peter: "Yes, my Lord, you called for me?"

Jesus: "Peter. . . I can see your house from here!"

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This is one that my dad likes to tell...

There's a tent revival in the area, and the farmer's wife has invited several congregationists back to the house for tea with the visiting preachers. They are gathered around the fireplace talking, when the old farmer comes in out of the snow. "Brrr!" he shivers. "It's cold as hell out there!"

One of the young preachers pipes up and asks, "How do you know, have you ever been there?"

"Yep," the old man answers.

"Well, what's it like?"

"Same as here... can't get to the fire for all the preachers."

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This is a true story.

At teachers' college, our elementary ed class was visited by a woman from the Detroit newspapers, who wanted to convince us to use newspapers in the classroom.

The teacher pointed out, "We have one man here who teaches at the kindergarten level."

The woman, determined to sell us on her pet idea, said, "Perhaps our newspapers could be helpful even there."

I replied: "For papier-maché."

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Steven Speicher said: "A falling cat always lands feet up. Buttered toast always lands buttered side down. So, attach a face-up slice of buttered toast to the back of a falling cat..."

Feet UP? Steven, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but if your cat is landing feet-up, chances are it has used up its 9-part allotment of kitty lives and you should probably stop throwing it.

Also, at this stage, it's advisable not to put it on buttered toast as you suggest.

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I always get a kick out of those "figure it out" jokes....

Like....

An electric locomotive is traveling from Denver to Philadelphia traveling at an average speed of 50 mph.

The train leaves at 5:00 am.

The wind is blowing ESE.

What direction is the steam going?

:)

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Steven Speicher said: "A falling cat always lands feet up. Buttered toast always lands buttered side down. So, attach a face-up slice of buttered toast to the back of a falling cat..."

Feet UP? Steven, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but if your cat is landing feet-up, chances are it has used up its 9-part allotment of kitty lives and you should probably stop throwing it.

Also, at this stage, it's advisable not to put it on buttered toast as you suggest.

:)

Caté?

(Hey Tom!) :)

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