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Jokes

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President Bush and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket.

"How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.

"Watch and learn," answers Hilary. They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket,please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip.

When they get to the station they see the Clintons at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip.. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all.

"Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hilary.

"Live and learn," answers Laura Bush. When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clintons cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

And the Democrats are still trying to figure out how they lost that election.

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But, to answer your question, only if the ghost of Xenu hears it.

Aurelia,

Thanks for clarifying -- for a moment I thought these people were lost...

JohnRGT PS Love the name "Aurelia"

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(Not my joke, found on the net)

These three kids are sitting around talking about getting stuff for free. The first kid says "My dad's a doctor, so I can be sick for nothing." The second kid says "My dad's a teacher, so I can be smart for nothing." The third kid says "Well, my dad's a pastor, so I can be good for nothing."

...

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(Not my joke, found on the net)

These three kids are sitting around talking about getting stuff for free. The first kid says "My dad's a doctor, so I can be sick for nothing." The second kid says "My dad's a teacher, so I can be smart for nothing." The third kid says "Well, my dad's a pastor, so I can be good for nothing."

...

Very funny.

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Who's the Child?

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That`s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"

Blair replied, "That`s easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?" "Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President. As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"

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WARNING! THIS POST DEPICTS THE MOST VIOLENT RABBIT SINCE MONTY PYTHON'S "Search for the Holy Grail".

So, on 06:06:06 06/06/06 the anti-Christ tag wrestling team will make its presence known for a re-match with Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny! :angry2: Unless, of course, the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Parmesan be upon Him) intervenes.

Little did I know when I wrote this that the Easter Bunny is already

!

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WARNING! THIS POST DEPICTS THE MOST VIOLENT RABBIT SINCE MONTY PYTHON'S "Search for the Holy Grail".

Little did I know when I wrote this that the Easter Bunny is already

!

Somebody beat the Easter Bunny to the punch.

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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!

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From Mitch Hedberg, who's hysterical if you don't mind profanity and bad English.

He's great at finding funny word tricks, such as:

I had a Mr. Pibb. It's a Dr. Pepper replica, but it's a [bad] replica, because dude didn't even get his degree. Why'd you drop out and start making pop so soon?

He's also great at wacky little observations, such as:

I like a escalator, man, because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.

I bought a donut the other day, and they gave me a receipt. I don't know why. I give you the cash, you give me the donut--end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can not imagine a scenario in which I would have to prove that I bought a donut. To some skeptical friend: "Don't say I didn't get that donut! I got the documentation right here!"

Of course, it's only so funny without hearing his delivery, which is fantastic. Well, was fantastic.

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Okay, I'm going to add another Hedberg bit:

It would suck to get killed by an arrow. They would never solve the crime. "Look, a dead guy!" "Let's go that way."

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President Bush recently went to a primary school in Macon, Georgia, to talk about the world. After his talk, he asked if the children had any questions. One little boy put up his hand, and the president asked him his name.

"Kenneth."

And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:

1 ... Whatever happened to the weapons of mass destruction?

2 ... Why did you give a tax break to the super wealthy?

3 ... Did you steal votes to win both elections?"

Just then the bell rang for recess. President Bush informed the kiddies that they would continue after recess.

When they resumed, the President said "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy put his hand up. Bush pointed him out and asked him his name.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions:

1 ...Whatever happened to the weapons of mass destruction?

2 ...Why did you give a tax break to the super wealthy?

3 ...Did you steal votes to win both elections?

4 ...Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

5 ...What happened to Kenneth?"

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You just gotta check this out. God is real by the teleo-bananna-proof! :)

The evidence

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I'm afraid, Nick! :)

I could never have known that the demise of my entire belief system would come in the form of a suggestive banana. Hold me.

:)

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Betsy sent this one to me.

Humor from Texas

A West Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up A GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he Prints out a full color, 150 page report on his Hi-tech,miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a %*#@ thing about cows........

Now give me back my dog."

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HAHAHA

:):)

That made me bark with lafter!!

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A New Yorker enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biochemistry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory and nano-technology.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?

The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods and guns.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly... "So............... ya.... gonna ..vote ....for....Hillary?

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RECOVERY FROM THINKING

Traditionally, members of recovery groups remain anonymous. Please try and get in the right frame of mind before you read it - it's powerful. It's been a tough struggle. It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone- "to relax," I told myself-but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a Poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today I made the final step; I registered to vote as a Republican.

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That reminds me of a math final we took last year. It was quite difficult. For the problem "Solve for x", some kid wrote simply "No." And then when it was worded "Find x", they just circled "x" on the test and wrote "It's right here!".

Not quite as good, but they were funny at the time.

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Time is Relative

Mr. Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "May I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

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One Liners

* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

* If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that

morality comes from morons?

* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

* Without geometry, life is pointless.

* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

* Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

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