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Jokes

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A man died and found himself in hell. A guide meets him at the entrance.

"You have a choice; you can go to Capitalist Hell or Communist Hell."

Being a shrewd chap, he decided to survey both before deciding.

He met the Capitalist Devil first, all suited up, hair greased back, and asked: "So what goes on inside Capitalist Hell?"

"Ahh, well we like to boil people in oil, ram them with spikes and flail them alive."

"What?! Right, that's it - I'm off to Communist Hell."

Once there, he meets a Karls Marx type devil, ushering him towards the gates...

"Hey, I'm not in yet - tell me, what goes on in Communist Hell?"

The Marx Devil scratches his beard and says: "Well, we like to boil people in oil, ram spikes through their bodies and flail them alive."

"What?! But that's just the same as Capitalist Hell?! Wait....why is there a queue?"

"Ah, yes...um...we've run out of oil, there's no more spikes and the flail's broken."

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--------------

"Ah, yes...um...we've run out of oil, there's no more spikes and the flail's broken."

Very funny, indeed. :)

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THE DONKEY RAFFLE

A young hillbilly named Kenny, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny said, "I’m going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00."

The farmer said, "Didn’t anyone complain?"

Kenny said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

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This isn't a joke, but rather is a funny article that deservedly mocks those who exalt a fetus over a person:

New "Anti-Abortion Pill" Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive

Suppose the mother wants the baby, but the father no longer wants the mother, can he still administer the medicine to his wife?

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Suppose the mother wants the baby, but the father no longer wants the mother, can he still administer the medicine to his wife?

Only if they finally get it over-the-counter approved; here's hoping!

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This chemistry lesson is certainly more fun than, say, mere titration! :)

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Problem Dog

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."

Dr. Saul: "So tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!

"And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch', not 'Kvetch'!

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Paris Mastermind

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his SUV ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to send you a story like this?

:)

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Paris Mastermind

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his SUV ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to send you a story like this?

:)

Dis is Verdi good. :)

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This Should explain it all...

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

! ~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

Alaska

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

and

Texas

~~~

~~~

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC

Any Questions?

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* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

This reminds me of a psychology class I took in college. I was short a couple of points and volunteered as a subject to make up the difference. I was told I would be playing 20 hands of black jack against a computer. No other instructions were given.

Circa '77 BCE, I had never seen a computer and was having the time of my life just pushing the buttons to play the game. With all the fun I was having, I managed to lose several million dollars. Unknown to me, the computer was set to allow me to win the first 10 hands and lose the last 10 hands, which really wouldn't have made any difference in my case.

The professor was not happy with my results and called me to his office afterwards. It seems I skewed the data.

"Why did you keep betting enormous sums of money when it was obvious to you that you were losing?"

Me: "It wasn't my money."

That is all,

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... The professor was not happy with my results and called me to his office afterwards. It seems I skewed the data.

"Why did you keep betting enormous sums of money when it was obvious to you that you were losing?"

Me: "It wasn't my money."

That is really precious story. Thanks!

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LOOLOOS FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

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Heaven

Abu al-Zarqawi died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.

Al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

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This article appeared in the Our Town section of our local newspaper here in Flagstaff, AZ. I like it for two main reasons, the interviews given by the extremely odd neighbors, and the fact that in a way this man woke up and realized "THEY'RE JUST GRASSHOPPERS." Hint, read it out loud, it's better if you do voices for the nosy lady and the Dude Dude.

Local Buddhist snaps, Stomps cosmic brothers and sisters

The quite of the upscape residential neighborhood of Scotch Thistle Estates-Phase Six Easy was disrupted Saturday afternoon when police officers arrested Tyrone Rinpoche for disturbing the peace.

According to the police report, the arrest followed complaints that Rinpoche, age 53 and a practicing Buddhist, had trespassed in various yards in the neighborhood wearing a saffron robe and Doc Marten boots and stomping on every grasshopper he saw.

"He was such a quiet man," said Estelle Littleton, who lives across the street from Rinpoche. "Never married, as far as I can tell, but such a tidy fellow," Littleton spoke from her front porch that gives an unobstructed view of the entire street. "I like to keep an eye on things," Littleton said. She is the president of the nieghborhood watch. "Mr. Rinpoche was in his front yard, as usual, tending to his flowers-he tries, but he's not much of a gardener, frankly-when I noticed him inspecting the leaves of his Clematis. Such a lovely plant, the Clematic.

"It was obvious to me something was wrong when he caught an insect with his hands, probably a grasshopper - that's what I told my husband. I said, 'Carl, Mr. Rinpoche just caught a grasshopper.' Just as I said that, Mr. Rinpoche shouted something, more like an anguished wail, really, and then I saw him throw the grasshopper onto the sidewalk, at least I think it was a grasshopper-and stomp on it with those nice sandals he wears around the hard." Mr. Littleton was unavailable for comment.

Phillip Stevens, age eight, told authorities that Mr. Rinpoche had employed him earlier in the week. "I'm pretty good at catching grasshoppers with my hands. The guy in the robe saw me catching them in my yard. He asked my Mom if I could catch grasshoppers in his yard. He would pay me a nickel for every grasshopper I caught. All I had to do was put them in a pickle jar. My Mom said I could. She likes me to stay outside."

Authorities confiscapted 37 jars from Rinpoche's garage, each of them containing 20 live grasshoppers and pieces of icebarg lettuce. Investigators believe he used a small hammer and a 10-penny nail to punch air holes into the jar lids. According to the young Stevens, his employment ended when "The guy wanted to cut the price to a penny a hopper. I didn't like the tobacco juice they spit, either."

Other neighbors noticed his actions. "I was watching the World Cup on the Spanish station with my brother Richard - we don't speak Spanish, but the language sounds cool and the dude announcers are so entusiastic-when I saw the dude in my front yard." Wayne Chuxton, an unemployed forklife operator, told authorities. "I was getting up to get another beverage when I looked out my front window and I said to Richard like, 'Whoa, dude, like what's that Buddhist guy doing in my front yard?' and Richard got up and said like, 'Dude, I don't know ... looks like he's stomping something.' We watched him for a couple of minutes and he was definetely stomping the heck out of all the grasshoppers in the yard. There's like a ton of them out there, dude. Richard thought maybe we should like do something, but I said, what the heck, when Rhonda gets home from work and she asks what I been doing all day, I'll show her all the squished grasshoppers in my yard and maybe she'll get off my back about getting another job. So, we turned back to the game. I took a peek later and like the dude was across the street stomping grasshoppers in that guy's yard."

"I called the cops," Carla Buscaglia said. "I was in my yard raking up pine needles when Tyrone walked up the sidewalk toward me. I didn't know what he was doing at first. The way he was moving his feet and all, for a minute I thought he was dancing. Then I saw he was stepping on grasshoppers. He came up to me whith this weird look in his eyes. He didn't say anything, he just kept scanning the ground looking for grasshoppers and stepping on them and counting out loud, 'eight hundred eleven,' squish, 'eight hundred twelve,' squish. It was creepy. I tried to get him to stomp. He was stomping on my waverunns and then he stepped on my root. That was when I called the police."

Authorities arrested Rinpoche without incident. He was relieased later on his own recognizance.

written by Tom Carpenter

:unsure::D:D

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Raising Boys

a.) For those who have grown children - this is totally hysterical!

b.) For those who have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c.) For those who have only girls, this will make you more thankful.

d.) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

e.) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

f.) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV shows they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

------

I admit it: my first thought was right along the lines of #25. :unsure:

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(The only thing left out is what happens when the boy learns to drive. Or not. :unsure: )

story??

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I did my #24 part, how's the clorox coming ? :unsure:

I have plenty of brake fluid lying around (deliberately; not as a result of leaks!). But what is this "clorox" thingy? Real men don't know such things! :D

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