piz

Jokes

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Here's my try at a joke.

A baby hyena was lying peacefully in the shade of a tree. An animal rights goon was watching with tears of joy. A lion leapt out from behind a bush and killed the baby hyena for lunch. The animal rights goon shot the lion after shouting, "You miserable beast; the hyena was here first; you violated his rights!" A second animal rights goon came on the scene, saw the dead lion, saw the smoking gun. He shot the first goon after shouting, "He was here first, you murderer!" A female hyena ran up, saw the goon standing over her ragged doll baby hyena and killed him.

She laughed and feasted, feasted and laughed, days upon days.

This is one of the most vivid jokes I've seen in a while! I like how it has elements of joke and elements of fable. Laughing hyena! That's so subtle. Very good. I laughed, too.

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Tony Blair is on an official visit to a hospital in Edinburgh, Scotland. The schedule takes him through a ward containing patients who seem to be suffering no apparent illness or injury. He decides to greet one of the patients, who says:

A fair fer ye honest sonsie face

Great cheiftan 'o the puddin' race

Aboon them all ye take your place

Painch, tripe or thairm

A wheel a wordy on ye grace

As lang's me arm

Unable to make any sense of this he just smiles, shakes the patient's hand and moves on to another, who says:

Some hae meat and cannae eat

And some nae meat that want it

But we hae meat

And we can eat

And say the Lord be thank it

Again puzzled by the strange prose, he again smiles, shakes the patient's hand and moves on to another:

Wee sleek it ye timourous beastie

Oh what a panic's in thy breastie

Nae need to start away sae hasty

Wi' bickering brattle

Now completely stumped, Tony turns to a doctor and asks "is this some sort of psychiatric ward?"

"Nae" replies the doctor, "it's the Serious Burns Unit!"

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This is one of the most vivid jokes I've seen in a while! I like how it has elements of joke and elements of fable. Laughing hyena! That's so subtle. Very good. I laughed, too.

For that you have earned a feast. You're buying. :(

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Tony Blair is on an official visit to a hospital in Edinburgh, Scotland. The schedule takes him through a ward containing patients who seem to be suffering no apparent illness or injury. He decides to greet one of the patients, who says:

A fair fer ye honest sonsie face

Great cheiftan 'o the puddin' race

Aboon them all ye take your place

Painch, tripe or thairm

A wheel a wordy on ye grace

As lang's me arm

Unable to make any sense of this he just smiles, shakes the patient's hand and moves on to another, who says:

Some hae meat and cannae eat

And some nae meat that want it

But we hae meat

And we can eat

And say the Lord be thank it

Again puzzled by the strange prose, he again smiles, shakes the patient's hand and moves on to another:

Wee sleek it ye timourous beastie

Oh what a panic's in thy breastie

Nae need to start away sae hasty

Wi' bickering brattle

Now completely stumped, Tony turns to a doctor and asks "is this some sort of psychiatric ward?"

"Nae" replies the doctor, "it's the Serious Burns Unit!"

Coo, piz, coo.

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Try this.

Hysterical. Eat chicken!! Now we have terrorist cows to cope with.

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I'll try another (serious) joke.

The volcano had waited patiently for several thousand years. At last the first environmentalist at its lip appeared. He looked down into its mouth and said, "You're looking so healthy and pure, I'll never let anyone touch you." Little did he know, the volcano was thinking the exact same thing.

It is night, but the earth is bright.

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Well, one more. I'm on a lava flow, er, roll.

"There'll be no more price-gouging," the dictator said. "The penalty is death."

Then he raised the taxes and we cut off his head.

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Gosh, this is getting addictive! One more for tonight.

"Give all you have to another", the altruist said. "He will love you and you will feel fulfilled."

I gave him my knives, my hatchet, and my bullets, and a big gaping hole in the ground.

Alas, he is full, not I; and now I've got to buy a damn shovel.

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Preserving English

There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am dead set against it!

We should preserve the sanctity of the English language.

To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks, and momzers that are lurking out there in the crowd, I just wanted to say that I, for one, get sentimental when I think about English and its place in our society.

To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plotz. This whole schmeer gets me broyges. When I hear these mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about our national language. What chutzpah!

These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country and of English itself, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else.

Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes! The whole myseh is a pain in the tuchas!

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A sunday morning joke, hot off the press!

Armed with his primacy of consciousness, the old priest went out to face his day. It was cloudy and he saw the sun; it began to snow and he walked amidst butterflies; he got lost in a blizzerd and sat by his warm fire in the middle of a road. He heard Gabriel's horn, pulled last week's bandages off his head, bowed, and said, "Annoint me again, O Lord".

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Try this.

Ahem. I have 2 troubles with CowsWithGuns.com lol.

First, there is quite a terrorist environmentalist slant, including burning down McDonald's.

Second, I do believe they have a problem with English. The last I checked, "cows" are not "he" they are most definitely "she" items. The word "bull" is reserved for the male gender of the species. Additionally, certain milk producing genitalia are reserved for the females.

Maybe the piece is an anti-female piece in disguise, proclaiming "male cow power" and rendering the actual female cows without a voice? It must be a plot, don't you think? lol

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Ahem. I have 2 troubles with CowsWithGuns.com lol.

First, there is quite a terrorist environmentalist slant, including burning down McDonald's.

But it was repeated several times at the beginning of the tiddy that cows are dumb. They are. They wouldn't have the slightest interest in burning McDonalds. They would much prefer to break through barbwire to get to the other side of the fence where they think the grass is greener.

Second, I do believe they have a problem with English. The last I checked, "cows" are not "he" they are most definitely "she" items. The word "bull" is reserved for the male gender of the species. Additionally, certain milk producing genitalia are reserved for the females.

Yes, but the men who round up & herd cattle are called *cowboys* for a reason. :( Bulls are reserved for stud service, the rest are called steers.

BTW, one of my great grandfathers was on the last round-up from TX to Kansas City.

Head 'em up, move 'em out, Rawhide!

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Childrens' Science Exam Answers

Almost better than a cup of coffee to start your morning.... If you need a laugh, read through these. These are real Answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large

pollutants like grit, sand and, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Cesarean Section"

A: The Cesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

KEEP A SMILE...IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!

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The Squirrels

There were four country churches in a small TEXAS town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.....

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Baptist Wisdom

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!" said Bubba. "A Baptist Preacher cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money, I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a Baptist Preacher cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"

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Baptist Wisdom

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!" said Bubba. "A Baptist Preacher cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money, I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a Baptist Preacher cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"

That's good! But what about the guy under the floor? :(

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NY Center: USAir 312, what is your ride like?

USAir 312: Oh man, I got whitecaps in my coffee!

NY Center: American 435, what's your ride like?

American 435: Dunno, we haven't been fed yet...

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Archery is a sport I indulged in, and this amused me, although it has been around for a while. I believe there is a lot of historical fact here, and I love the phrasing.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory

over

the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English

soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the

renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the

future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of

drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew."

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and

began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated

French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew..............PLUCK YEW."

Over the years, some "folk etymologies" have grown up around this symbolic

gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother

pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on

the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the

beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the

words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly

thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also

because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is

known as "giving the bird".

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Well I'm on a roll, here is another aviation piece:

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots

and control towers from around the world.

While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate

female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:"US

Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie

taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's

difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it

right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now

shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take

forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I

tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an

hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and

how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am, " the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly

silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody

wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.

Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot

broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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(Airport information is given on a separate frequency, and each update has an alphabet designator.

'H' would be 'Hotel' for example.)

Tower: "Cessna 123, do you have 'Hotel' Information ?"

Cessna : "No, thanks, Tower, we're staying with friends."

Pilot : "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start and push

please."

Tower : "KLM 242, due to slot-time, expect start-up in 2 hours."

Pilot : "confirm TWO HOURS delay ???"

Tower : "affirmative"

Pilot : "In that case, cancel the 'Good Morning' !"

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