Jokes

[dondigitalia 0]

About 20% of the people I tell this to don't "get it" at all and that says something about how they mentally process the joke.

←

I got it.

But none of my coworkers did. So, I'm running @ 75% don't get it.

[BillSpears 0]

True story.

We had been stuck behind this very slow moving truck, ascending a very

long hill, when, from the back seat, my ten year old daughter said

"That truck is so slow, it's on the map."

[mcvideo 0]

Try these on for size:

1. A rooster, facing north, is sitting on the peak of a house. It is dawn. The rooster lays an egg. Which side of the roof does the egg roll down?

2. There are two horses. One is in a corral, the other is running around on the open range. Which one is singing "Don't fence me in?"

3. You are driving down the highway faster than the speed of sound. You decide some music would be nice. You turn on the radio. Will you hear anything?

4. A man leaves home. He makes four left turns and meets a man wearing a mask. What is the first man's job?

[ADS 0]

Try these on for size:

1. A rooster, facing north, is sitting on the peak of a house. It is dawn. The rooster lays an egg. Which side of the roof does the egg roll down?

2. There are two horses. One is in a corral, the other is running around on the open range. Which one is singing "Don't fence me in?"

3. You are driving down the highway faster than the speed of sound. You decide some music would be nice. You turn on the radio. Will you hear anything?

4. A man leaves home. He makes four left turns and meets a man wearing a mask. What is the first man's job?

←

Well, I can get two right off the bat:

1. Roosters don't lay eggs.

4. A baseball player.

[ADS 0]

4. A man leaves home. He makes four left turns and meets a man wearing a mask. What is the first man's job?

←

Also, I just realized: assuming I'm right that the answer is "a baseball player," shouldn't it be three left turns?

[mcvideo 0]

ADS writes:

"Also, I just realized: assuming I'm right that the answer is "a baseball player," shouldn't it be three left turns?"

OOPS!! You're right. It should read THREE left turns. Sorry 'bout that.

[ADS 0]

OOPS!! You're right. It should read THREE left turns. Sorry 'bout that.

←

No problem; I made the same mistake myself initially, which probably helped me in figuring out the answer to the question!

[Arnold 0]

Alf at the bar asks Bill the slow bartender; "My mother and father had a baby, it wasn't my brother and it wasn't my sister, who was it? When the bartender shrugs, he answers "Me" and laughs at him uproariously.

The bartender decides to try this on the next customer. When he asks "who was it", the customer shrugs. With a look of glee, Bill the bartender points to Alf, "Him" he says.

[Thales 0]

ADS writes:

"Also, I just realized: assuming I'm right that the answer is "a baseball player," shouldn't it be three left turns?"

OOPS!! You're right. It should read THREE left turns. Sorry 'bout that.

←

I was struggling with that one given the four turns. Indy car driver was all I could think of, but then who is the man with the mask? Clever thinking on Alex's part.

Number 2 is similar to 1: Neither, horses can't sing.

The answer to 3 is yes. If you are inside a car, the air will be basically static.

Betsy, I'm happy to say I got yours and laughed.

[Free Capitalist 0]

This is also a true story, and it happened with a friend of mine who used to post on the Objectivist forums years ago. One day he told me he had a pet fish. I asked him what its name was. He said, "Thales. To him, all world is water."

[Bill Bucko 0]

"WHENEVER WOMAN STOOPS TO FOLLY"

A true story

An English professor at Purdue University once asked his poetry class to complete the following line, to make a rhyming couplet:

"Whenever Woman stoops to folly."

One student completed it:

"Whenever Woman stoops to folly--

That's where I want to be, by golly!"

[PhilO 0]

That reminds me of a sort-of joke or at least an amusing point about the importance of punctuation.

The story is that an English teacher gives the class a sentence to properly punctuate:

Woman without her man is nothing

The men all write it as:

Woman, without her man, is nothing

The women write it as:

Woman; without her, man is nothing

[Betsy Speicher 0]

Speaking of punctuation humor, this is from a grammar book on using commas when needed:

"This book is dedicated to my parents, Ayn Rand and God."

[piz 0]

That reminds me of a sort-of joke or at least an amusing point about the importance of punctuation.

The story is that an English teacher gives the class a sentence to properly punctuate:

Woman without her man is nothing

The men all write it as:

  Woman, without her man, is nothing

The women write it as:

  Woman; without her, man is nothing

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Class full of idiots! Nobody put a period at the end!

(I know, I know. It just struck me as funny. )

[Arnold 0]

A minister goes to heaven and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joey Shasta, retired Air Canada pilot.

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister..."that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter, "while you preached - - people slept; while he flew - - people prayed."

[writeby 0]

With apologies to Edward, from whom I got this joke.

And take note, all who say that it's a myth cats are smart.

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre

little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh

meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only

thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and

the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the

occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by

weaving around their feet while they were walking

almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the

stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these

vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit

on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the

headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I

am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their

hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a

good little cat I was...Hmmm.

Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.

For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.

This time however it included a burning foamy chemical

called "shampoo."

What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only

consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between

my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their

accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the

event. However, I could hear the noise and

smell the foul odor of what they call "pizza." More

importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to

MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and

how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are

flunkies and maybe snitches.

The dog is routinely released and seems more than

happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird

on the other hand has got to be an informant, and

speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my

every move. Due to his current placement in the metal

room his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

[Ed from OC 0]

A string walks into a bar just in time to see the bartender tell another string, "We don't serve your kind here."

The string dashes to the restroom before he's spotted. He quickly messes up his hair and ties himself into a loop.

Upon returning to the bar, the bartender pauses to eye him carefully.

"You wouldn't happen to be a string, would you?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

[Go 4 TLI 0]

As a tropical fish man, I find this whole "dog v. cat" war to be amusing nonsense. The ideal pet is the Green Moray Eel. Isn't that obvious?

Oh, and to cross post, what would I do if I came across a total stranger drowning and Rex, my Green Moray Eel, gasping for air along the shore? Pushing back tears as I cried, "Live free!"; I 'd throw Rex into the ocean and summon a lifeguard to rescue the hapless stranger. Then I'd call the police and inform then that international eel smugglers were once again active in my neighborhood.

[Go 4 TLI 0]

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender barks out, "We don't serve your kind!"

As it is leaving, the robot mutters under its breath, "One day, you will!"

[Guest Dan Edge]

A few of my favorites:

Me: Knock Knock!

You: Who's There?

Me: Interrupting Cow!

You: Interrupting C--

Me: MOO!

----------------

A wise man can look at a grain of sand and contemplate the universe. But a stupid man will just lay in a pile of seaweed, wrap himself up in it, then stang up and say, "Hey! I'm Vine-man!"

----------------

Q: How many Femi-nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to fix my dinner!

-----------------

--Dan Edge

[JMeganSnow 0]

I have a few that I like that are very simple yet funny:

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

------

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left it.

------

What's green and brown, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree it could kill you?

A pool table.

[Bill Bucko 0]

A TRUE UTILITARIAN

Another true story:

Back in high school, I knew a guy who claimed (waggishly) to be a Utilitarian.

He said he worshipped telephone poles.

[Bill Bucko 0]

"GROAN!"

OK, so this one is several years old.

Who is the most dangerous woman in the entire world?

Tonya Rodham Bobbitt.

[ADS 0]

A TRUE UTILITARIAN

Another true story:

Back in high school, I knew a guy who claimed (waggishly) to be a Utilitarian.

He said he worshipped telephone poles.

←

Okay, I'll be brave and admit that I don't get it. What am I missing?

[kenstauffer 0]

Okay, I'll be brave and admit that I don't get it. What am I missing?

←

That's okay because greatest number of people on this forum got it.