piz

Jokes

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Zingers -- Part Two

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became.... a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with... stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they will.... always multiply.

What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles..... U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did..... a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was..... on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out..... free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could...... jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought..... tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will?..... It's a dead giveaway

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...

We'll never run out of math teachers because they will.... always multiply.

...

bborg, sorry to tell you this, but reading these jokes made me realize why your mom wants to play scrabulous with you on facebook... :D

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bborg, sorry to tell you this, but reading these jokes made me realize why your mom wants to play scrabulous with you on facebook... :D

Ha! No, I wish I could take credit for these. In part one I noted that I just got these by email. I'm on a joke email list, and sometimes they're pretty good.

When I make word play, it's usually accidental. :D

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Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, while awaiting their respective flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .

'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'.'

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Traffic Jam

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly, a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened; what's the hold up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon.'

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Traffic Jam

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly, a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened; what's the hold up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon.'

Put me down for 4 quarts!! :)

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Put me down for 4 quarts!! :)

You Americans are such barbarians! That should be four litres!

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Put me down for 4 quarts!! :)

You Americans are such barbarians! That should be four litres!

Naaa. Less than a gallon. Might leave residual DNA in the ashes.

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Put me down for 4 quarts!! :)

You Americans are such barbarians! That should be four litres!

Naaa. Less than a gallon. Might leave residual DNA in the ashes.

[bold mine]

Um...

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Another from the mailing list.

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Bob

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True story.

We had been stuck behind this very slow moving truck, ascending a very

long hill, when, from the back seat, my ten year old daughter said

"That truck is so slow, it's on the map."

That's an incredible display of intelligence from a 10 yr old!

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Libertarians is Spaaaaace!

I was tempted to open a new thread on this, but I realized it belongs in the humor column. Is there any other for the Libertarians?

Mr. Hoagland will address the urgency to redefine and refocus NASA on the critical 21st Century scientific, technological and economic problems facing the United States during the next presidential administration. He will also reveal -- with official NASA imagery -- startling scientific discoveries NASA, by law, has deliberately withheld from the American people for more than 40 years! Mr. Hoagland has appeared all over the nation and is often heard on Coast to Coast radio. His most recent book, “Dark Mission: the Secret History of NASA”, is a New York Times Bestseller.

From here:

Yes, that is the Hoagland of "Face on Mars" infamy.

I got a glimpse of his new book this weekend from a friend who enjoys conspiracy farces. According to Hoagland, the Apollo astronauts really did walk on the moon. The faked moon landing conspiracy theories are conspired by NASA itself to distract the public from a cabal of Nazis, Freemasons, and others to recover alien artifacts from alien glass covered domes on the moon. It gets stranger from there. Unless you, too, were on the Grassy Knoll.

--HH

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Breaking news from Brussels,

Thieves have broken into the EU Parliament building and stolen next weeks Irish referendum results.

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The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,

'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

25. You can lead a horse to water, but it's MUCH easier riding him.

26. If a tree falls in the forest, and you're not there to hear it, then it didn't land on your head.

27. A thousand monkeys with typewriters could NOT have written anything without PAPER!

28. Lastly, wishing you to "have a nice day" does not require checking with www.Weather.com first!

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I found this here after a Google search on "Ayn Rand". When you get to the end of the list, you'll see why. [i made a few editorial changes to the original.]

Capital Humor

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.

Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let's make a hockey team, eh?

Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.

Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.

Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.

Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.

Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them udder implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their udders on command.

Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.

Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.

Welfare State Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.

Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.

Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.

Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.

Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.

Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.

Jehovah's Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.

Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows.

The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.

Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.

Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.

Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm. After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capital and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.

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Comments made in the year 1955!

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous. "

" Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter? "

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha any more for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

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You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Where can I get a tactical computer for my Porsche!

Phil - I bet you could build me one! Or, Ray - do you still have any contacts? B)

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Where can I get a tactical computer for my Porsche!

That reminds me of a science fiction short story I read once, basically about a Mad Max sort of future where drivers had to drive vehicles outfitted with weapons to survive on the road. The last sentence was a deliberate spoof of a common bromide:

"Be safe. Drive offensively."

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The Pope's Blessing......

The Pope was finishing his sermon.

He ended it with the Latin phrase,

"Tuti Homini"

- Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day.

They pointed out that the Pope blessed all Mankind,

but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon,

the Pope concluded by saying,

"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini"

- Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.

They said that they noted that he blessed Mankind and Womankind,

and asked if he could also bless Gay people.

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with,

"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruti

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I guess one would call this the junk joke of the week if it wasn't serious.

Actually, the article is a spoof, it's a famous satirical website. A sign of the times that you can't tell the difference....

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