piz

Jokes

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Joke 2:

Why did the crowd start shouting letters while a criminal was being hanged?

Because he was an amputee.

This one took me a minute. LOL

The only sense I can make of this one is the sounds of "amputee". Is that the joke, or am I missing something?

It took me a bit as well, piz. You may not be able to get it, bborg, because it requires certain knowledge of something in particular. Sorry for being so obscure, but I don't want to give it away.

I'll give a clue:

It has to do with a game.

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A barber a stoner hippy nd a skin head go camping in the woods.

They decide that they will take separate shifts of guard duty at night in this order, first the barber then the stoner hippy and the skinhead as last.

While guarding the camping spot the barber gets bored and starts cutting the hair of the hippy to pass the time.

When the barber looks at his watch he sees that its the hippie's turn so he quietly wakes him up and quickly runs to his tent.

The stoner hippy sits up rubs his head and says: Stupid barber, he woke up the skin head instead of me.

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"I recently asked my friend's little 10 year old girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday...Like Barack Obama.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed.

'Wow! What a worthy goal!' I told her, 'but you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where that homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use to buy food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I replied, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me."

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"I recently asked my friend's little 10 year old girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday...Like Barack Obama.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed.

'Wow! What a worthy goal!' I told her, 'but you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where that homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use to buy food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I replied, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me."

Is that really a joke? It makes a great story if true.

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The first one was hilarious, but the second one wasn't that funny. Unless I'm missing something??

The second one was just meant to be preposterously funny; note the incredibly bizarre google maps directions.

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Courtesy of Patriot Post via alann's brother Mark:

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls Rush Limbaugh and tells him, "Rush, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Rush asks.

Mahmoud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Rush says, "You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmoud asks.

Rush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

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Courtesy of Patriot Post via alann's brother Mark:
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls Rush Limbaugh and tells him, "Rush, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Rush asks.

Mahmoud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Rush says, "You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmoud asks.

Rush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

Great. Thanks.

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PONDERISMS (to think about something carefully over a period of time)

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

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Paul, those are some good ones. Although about pedestrians one might say, "There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the flat."

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Some peope were so sure Americans were racists that they declared, "We'll have a black President when pigs fly!"

Believe it or not, we now have President Obama and swine flu.

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Some peope were so sure Americans were racists that they declared, "We'll have a black President when pigs fly!"

Believe it or not, we now have President Obama and swine flu.

Doesn't sound kosher to me.

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LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why, for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

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This was not intended as a joke, but I found it humorous. It is one of the characters in John and Emery Bonet's mystery, Not In The Script.

"Now listen. I am a man who possesses an early Picasso, a Chirico, and a small but authentic Matisse. That is art as I understand and appreciate it. Nothing that looks like anything at all."

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OBAMANIMAL HOUSE!

Don't miss this cartoon at Michelle Malkin:

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A little girl came home from school, and approached her father with a look of anxious concern.

"Daddy, my teacher said today we can't be sure of anything."

"That's not true," he answered. "You can be sure your teacher is an idiot."

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