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Jokes

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[A little boy, to his father:]

"Daddy, if God can do anything, can he make a rock so heavy he can't lift it?"

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[A little boy, to his father:]

"Daddy, if God can do anything, can he make a rock so heavy he can't lift it?"

The central idea of this "joke" is too old and common to be anything but trite. However, a serious mystical father would reply, "Yes He can; he can make it so heavy He can't lift it, and at the same time make it so light He can blow it away like a bubble."

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The thrust of the joke is mocking the results of postulating something that does not have identity. (The problem results from this.)

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The thrust of the joke is mocking the results of postulating something that does not have identity. (The problem results from this.)

But my point is that this "joke" is so common, it has lost its "thrust", and is thus a mite trite.

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But my point is that this "joke" is so common ...

Indeed, ComedyCentral.com is no doubt littered with jokes that relate to the contradictions involved in postulating an entity without identity.

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Things you must give up when you enter the priesthood: sex, money, and your frontal lobe.

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A woman sitting with a friend at a table in a coffee shop remarked, "'Reality is only an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."

A man sitting with his wife at the next table, remarked in a voice audible to them all, "I very much wish that she were an illusion."

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After reviewing Michael Jackson's death, Treasury Secretary Githner says "He was too big too fail".

President Obama immediately called on Congress to grant the Fed additional power to bring the singer back.

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The bronze rat

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."

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While texting my niece I came up with this comical exchange--which we both got a big kick out of.

Man goes to Macdonald's, says to the girl, "Give me a Nothing Burger."

She says, "You want something on it?"

He says, "Yeah, but not too much."

She says, "What you gonna pay?"

He says, "Nothing."

She says, "You want something for nothing?"

He says, "No, I want nothing for nothing."

She says, "Well, you ain't getting nothing here."

He says, "You're wrong. I came in with nothing and I'm leaving with nothing, and besides that, I've changed my mind and I don't want nothing anyway!. So there!"

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While texting my niece I came up with this comical exchange--which we both got a big kick out of.

Man goes to Macdonald's, says to the girl, "Give me a Nothing Burger."

She says, "You want something on it?"

He says, "Yeah, but not too much."

She says, "What you gonna pay?"

He says, "Nothing."

She says, "You want something for nothing?"

He says, "No, I want nothing for nothing."

She says, "Well, you ain't getting nothing here."

He says, "You're wrong. I came in with nothing and I'm leaving with nothing, and besides that, I've changed my mind and I don't want nothing anyway!. So there!"

;) ;)

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One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.

"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"

"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.

"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.

"Who is it? Is it a senator?"

"No. More important."

"The president?"

"No. More important."

"An ambassador? Who?"

"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."

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World Survey

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And Finally...........................

In Australia they hung up because they can't understand an Indian accent.

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And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes.."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

********************************************************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

*************************************************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's when the fight started....

**************************************************************************

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that's when the fight started....

*********************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started....

**************************************************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's when the fight started....

**************************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started....

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started....

***************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair..

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And that's when the fight started....

*************************************************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station..

And that's when the fight started....

****************************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale..

And that's when the fight started....

*******************************************************************

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And that's when the fight started....

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You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'..............

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You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

...

:angry2:

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You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

...

:angry2:

I agree with Alon. :D That really had me laughing! Thanks, Paul.

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The humor of a particular culture reflects the premises of that culture. I am Swedish. And I am ashamed (well, not really, because I reject the idea of collectivism) of the fact that this joke originated (as far as I know) in my country - and it is very popular here, people actually laugh at it:

"The schadenfreude is the only real freude." That is the best translation I could come up with. It means - "The pleasure of seeing people come to harm, is the only real pleasure." It sounds better, more economical, in the Swedish language: "Skadegladjen ar den enda sanna gladjen."

The Swedish culture is of course heavily influenced by Kantianism.

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Children often love sick jokes. This morbid joke was my very favorite when I was a kid:

"Mommy, mommy! I don´t want to go around in a circle all the time!"

"Shut up, junior! Or else I´ll nail your other foot to the floor also!"

I also liked gross jokes when I was a kid. Here´s a gross one:

What is green and hangs on the trees down in Africa?

Elephant snott!

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Craig Ferguson (from memory):

I love watching the Olympics. I'll see someone shot putting, or throw a baseball at 95mph and I think, "I wish I could do that." Then I'll see the guy with the tight, glistening spandex outfit dancing around with that long, shinny ribbon at the end of a stick and I think, "I wish I could stop doing that."

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Children often love sick jokes. This morbid joke was my very favorite when I was a kid:

"Mommy, mommy! I don´t want to go around in a circle all the time!"

"Shut up, junior! Or else I´ll nail your other foot to the floor also!"

I also liked gross jokes when I was a kid. Here´s a gross one:

What is green and hangs on the trees down in Africa?

Elephant snott!

That's funny, even here in America!

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That's funny, even here in America!

We also have ethnic jokes in Sweden (don´t the citizens of every country in the world make jokes about some ethnic group or other?).

Here in Sweden we love to pick on our neighbors, the Norwegians. We have a special category of jokes that we call "Norge vitsar" ("Norway jokes").

Here´s a good one (my apologies to any Norwegians who are here, but in my defense I can point out that in Norway you tell a lot of ethnic jokes about us Swedes, in fact there is a sort of friendly competition between the Swedes and the Norwegians as to who can come up with the best jokes about the other, well that´s better than going to war with each other isn´t it?):

Imagine that there is a contest. The contest takes place in a boxing ring. There are four contestants. In one corner of the ring there is a stupid Norwegian. In the second corner of the ring, there is an intelligent Norwegian. In the third corner of the ring there is Batman. In the fourth corner of the ring there is Superman. Now the referee places a bottle of fine Scotch whisky in the exact center of the boxing ring. Then, when the referee blows his whistle, all four of the contestants rush out from their respective corner of the ring, and try to get to the whisky bottle first. The winner gets to drink the whisky.

Now, if you had this kind of a contest - who do you think would win? The stupid Norwegian, the intelligent Norwegian, Batman or Superman?

Maybe you guess that it will be the stupid Norwegian who wins the contest?

Well, you´re right. In fact it *has* to be the stupid Norwegian who wins the contest. But can you guess *why* the winner has to be him?

Well, it can´t be Superman who wins the contest, because Superman doesn´t exist. And it can´t be Batman who wins the contest, because Batman doesn´t exist. And it can´t be the intelligent Norwegian who wins the contest because . . .

LOL

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