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Why Men don't write advice colums...

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past

six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

------------------------------

-

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

Walter.

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MORAL DILEMNA

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,

when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the

bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there

could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue

reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part

of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is

going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take

the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be

the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able

to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble

coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car

keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I

would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn

Thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put

her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood

of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

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I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she

grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,

"If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed.

"Wow... what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until

you're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn,

pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over

to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the

$50, you earned, to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the

eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and

you can just pay him the $50?"?

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

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One of the stats sighted by Letterman these evening:

60% of all heart attacks in 2006 were caused by
.

I can see that. At about 2:42, when she lifts her eyes to meet the camera, well, you know....

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Did I ever tell you about the sailor whose ship was in awful condition and who could not tie knots to save himself. Of him they said his barque was worse than his bight.

Bob Kolker

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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived.

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are

closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have

heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up

fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.

The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But, nobody

ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too

hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three

questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees

St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to

think the questions over, tell me your answers'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins

with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy.

That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I

was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I

will give you credit for that answer.'

'How about the next one?' asked St. Peter 'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that,

and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name

could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February

2nd, March 2nd ... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I

see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but I will

have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and

final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can

understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but

just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name

of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it

from the song,

'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' '

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run!'

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Roger Bearclaw was the youngest chief the Lokatah nation ever had. Some of the elders of the people came to him and asked: what kind of winter will we have and how should we prepare. Chief Bearclaw replied: "I am not well versed in the ancient ways to say what the winter will be, but it would make sense to gather up plenty of fire wood. So the people did as they were told. Chief Bearclaw then called the U.S. Weather Service and asked what there estimate of the winter is. They replied, it might be a bad winter. Chief Bearclaw calls a pow-wow and tells the people, "Gather more wood! Gather as much as you can!" They do. Bearclaw calls up the U.S. Weather Service and asks again what their estimate of the winter weather is. The reply: We think it will be the worst weather in a century. Bearclaw asks the weather service man : "How do you know?". The Weather Service man replies: " The Indians are getting fire wood like there is no to-morrow. The winter is bound to be bad.

And so it goes in the echo chamber.

Bob Kolker

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I love insults. Except when they are adressed to me. I think that Groucho Marx was the Master of Insult.

My favorite is this one - "I never forget a face. But in your case I´ll make an exception."

And Groucho was good at spitting in his own face too! Remember the line (this is not an exact quote) - "I´d never want to be a member of a club that would be willing to accept me as a member!"? Priceless. If only our politicians could be that modest!

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The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man.. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?' asked the man.

'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office..

He's using it as a ceiling fan..

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Awesome!

My fav:

A man was walking on the dock of the Wall St. marina admiring the big, expensive boats that filled the slips. He approached a marina employee and asked, “Hey, who would buy such wonderful expensive vessels and let them sit idle like this?” The ee replied “Oh, all the Wall St. guys have boats like these - a couple million each to buy, and then tens of thousands to keep them up. Wonderful guys, wonderful customers. But, they work so hard making money for their clients that owners never have time to use them.” The visitor thinks for a second and asks, “So where are the clients’ boats?” The ee condescends, “Clients can’t afford boats.”

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I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she

grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,

"If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed.

"Wow... what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until

you're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn,

pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over

to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the

$50, you earned, to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the

eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and

you can just pay him the $50?"?

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

OMG! That was hilarious Paul! I love seeing philosophy in action like that :D

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The Rev. Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for the lack of diversity among his mistresses. Sharpton claims that the lack of African-American women among Woods’ harem will have a negative effect on the black community, specifically young black girls.

“Why is it that a man who calls himself black can’t bring himself to cheat on his wife with a black woman?” said Sharpton, speaking to a group of supporters in Harlem . “What does it say to young black girls everywhere when you pass them over? Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy say?”

Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said that today’s black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it comes to extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive black role models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both of whom cheated on their wives with black women. Sharpton also stressed that cheating with African-American women would help the black community financially by giving black girls the chance to sell their stories to tabloids and gossip magazines.

Added Sharpton, “I’m not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I’m just asking you to give back to your own community.”

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire [...]

ROFL

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office [...]

ROFL

Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses [...]

ROFL ROFL

ROFL ROFL

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The Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place

Stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,

'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.'

'Now, how about that drink?'

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Here is an Obama putdown in the form a spoof on -The Day that the Music Died-

Please have a look and a laught here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpevc2t_Frw

Bob Kolker

Now THAT was funny, funny, funny!!

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Mike Francesca, the iconic sports commentator, had a funny moment a while back.

He was explaining who PETA are on the air. I guess he was rushing through it because he end up saying,

PETA, the People against the Ethical Treatment of Animals

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Mike Francesca, the iconic sports commentator, had a funny moment a while back.

He was explaining who PETA are on the air. I guess he was rushing through it because he end up saying,

PETA, the People against the Ethical Treatment of Animals

Maybe they're People Evolving To Animals. :D

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I've been a member of PETA for as I long as I can remember, actually. And I don't take lightly the various insults being levelled at this group, what with the unfair generalizations, ad hominem attacks and things of that nature. If you are not a member, and do not wish to consider becoming one, please conduct yourself in a manner that is at least civil towards the members of the group.

People Eating Tasty Animals has never, so far as I can recall, endorsed attacking those who don't agree with...

Oh, I'm sorry, were you thinking of the other PETA?

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Mike Francesca, the iconic sports commentator, had a funny moment a while back.

He was explaining who PETA are on the air. I guess he was rushing through it because he end up saying,

PETA, the People against the Ethical Treatment of Animals

It gets funnier. Ends up MF owns racing horses. (Who knows what level of harassment this particular hobby earns a media celebrity.)

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I've been a member of PETA for as I long as I can remember, actually. And I don't take lightly the various insults being levelled at this group, what with the unfair generalizations, ad hominem attacks and things of that nature. If you are not a member, and do not wish to consider becoming one, please conduct yourself in a manner that is at least civil towards the members of the group.

People Eating Tasty Animals has never, so far as I can recall, endorsed attacking those who don't agree with...

Oh, I'm sorry, were you thinking of the other PETA?

On my list of things to do (eat) before I (or they) die:

- whale of course (blue whale would be awesome but I doubt I'll make it)

- tiger, snow leopard, cheetah (bet they taste like rabbit)

- crowned solitary eagle (bet it tastes like duck)

- harp seal

- markhor (probably as a goat curry like I used to have in India, mmmm)

- if they clone it, passenger pigeon. Wood pigeon is delicious.

in addition to the non-endangered stuff like snakes and monkeys as a friend once said snake soup was the best meat he ever had in China.

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I've been a member of PETA for as I long as I can remember, actually. And I don't take lightly the various insults being levelled at this group, what with the unfair generalizations, ad hominem attacks and things of that nature. If you are not a member, and do not wish to consider becoming one, please conduct yourself in a manner that is at least civil towards the members of the group.

People Eating Tasty Animals has never, so far as I can recall, endorsed attacking those who don't agree with...

Oh, I'm sorry, were you thinking of the other PETA?

On my list of things to do (eat) before I (or they) die:

- whale of course (blue whale would be awesome but I doubt I'll make it)

- tiger, snow leopard, cheetah (bet they taste like rabbit)

- crowned solitary eagle (bet it tastes like duck)

- harp seal

- markhor (probably as a goat curry like I used to have in India, mmmm)

- if they clone it, passenger pigeon. Wood pigeon is delicious.

in addition to the non-endangered stuff like snakes and monkeys as a friend once said snake soup was the best meat he ever had in China.

How about adding some cow balls to your list? That will put you on the top of PETA's death list.

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Already had the lamb's.

Whilst I enjoyed the cool factor, they definitely were not something I'd have again. Will stick with muscle tissue...

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