piz

Jokes

1,184 posts in this topic

That's okay because greatest number of people on this forum got it.

Now THAT I get. :P

And, I just figured out the original joke, so I consider myself somewhat redeemed.

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He said he worshipped telephone poles.

You know about the FIRST telephone pole, don't you?

(See below)

Alexander Graham Belski.

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You know about the FIRST telephone pole, don't you?(See below)

Alexander Graham Belski.

Betsy, aren't you being a little insensitive to a certain nationality?

Like that guy I knew back in high school, who said:

"What's the difference between Polish and polish? ... Polish [with a short o] is capitalized." :P

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With apologies to Edward, from whom I got this joke.  :P

And take note, all who say that it's a myth cats are smart.  ;)

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

...

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

...

Thank you - this made me cry with laughter at work... It even eased this bad lower back pain I've been suffering from the last few days. Thanks! :):D:D

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Thank you - this made me cry with laughter at work...  It even eased this bad lower back pain I've been suffering from the last few days.  Thanks!  ;)  :)  :D

Made me laugh to tears, too, when I first heard it. Glad it help to cheer your day. :P

Here's another one - again, thanks to Edward:

Dear Friends: (sic)

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Doughboy died

yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in

the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities

turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,

the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain

Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. As long-time friend, Aunt

Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew

how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled

with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of

his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times,

even still, he was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for

millions.

Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no

tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough

and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

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Thank you - this made me cry with laughter at work...  It even eased this bad lower back pain I've been suffering from the last few days.  Thanks!  ;)  :)  :D

Made me laugh to tears, too, when I first heard it. Glad it help to cheer your day. :P

I thought it was very funny too - I laughed on and off for about 10 minutes.

I don't have a real joke to tell, but let me share an excerpt I found funny. It's from a book called Mathematics for the Million by Lancelot Hogben. (I have altered the mathematical equation used for internet readability.)

There is a story about Diderot, the Encyclopaedist and materialist, a foremost figure in the intellectual awakening which immediately preceded the French Revolution.  Diderot was staying at the Russian court, where his elegant flippancy was entertaining the nobility.  Fearing that the faith of her retainers was at stake, the Tsaritsa commissioned Euler, the most distinguished mathematician of the time, to debate with Diderot in public.  Diderot was informed that a mathematician had established a proof of the existence of God.  He was summoned to court without being told the name of his opponent.  Before the assembled court, Euler accosted him with the following pronuoncement, which was uttered with due gravity:

                          '(a + (b^n))/n = x, donc Dieu existe, repondez!'

And Diderot fell for it.

['donc Dieu existe, repondez!' translates as "therefore God exists, respond!"]

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I don't have a real joke to tell, but let me share an excerpt I found funny.  It's from a book called Mathematics for the Million by Lancelot Hogben. (I have altered the mathematical equation used for internet readability.) ...

And Diderot fell for it.

It may indeed be a funny little story, but, for the record, it is not true. For one thing, Diderot was an accomplished mathematician; at the time of this alleged incident Diderot had already written five mathematical memoirs. His work demonstrated that he had mastered algebra, geometry and calculus. It is inconceivable that Diderot could have "fell for it." Historians have traced Hogben's version of the story to an original told by Thiebault, first published in 1804, repeated and enhanced by De Morgan in 1872. The original story had little basis in fact, and each telling of the story distorted it further. Hogben is just one in a line of authors who have embellished an originally questionable story and further distorted its truth.

(Sorry to get serious in the joke thread, but I just could not let the story stand.)

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It may indeed be a funny little story, but, for the record, it is not true. For one thing, Diderot was an accomplished mathematician; at the time of this alleged incident Diderot had already written five mathematical memoirs. His work demonstrated that he had mastered algebra, geometry and calculus.  It is inconceivable that Diderot could have "fell for it." Historians have traced Hogben's version of the story to an original told by Thiebault, first published in 1804, repeated and enhanced by De Morgan in 1872. The original story had little basis in fact, and each telling of the story distorted it further. Hogben is just one in a line of authors who have embellished an originally questionable story and further distorted its truth.

(Sorry to get serious in the joke thread, but I just could not let the story stand.)

My apologies to Diderot: I have no intention of reducing his intellectual stature. My own father is a mathematician, so I am fully aware of the import of the error.

I first heard about Diderot when I was eleven or twelve; it was a book called The Meek and the Militant. The book was very influential in removing my religious baggage. I became an agnostic that year. And Diderot was one of the good guys in this development.

I did not mean to diminish him by recounting Hogben's tale -- I simply did not know.

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I did not mean to diminish him by recounting Hogben's tale -- I simply did not know.

Oh, yes, I did not doubt your intentions for a moment. I simply wanted to factually correct the story, and doing so was not meant as a criticism of you in any way. Sorry I did not make that explicit.

That Euler-Diderot story is oft-repeated in books by authors who should check their sources more thoroughly, but there is no reason for the casual reader to question it.

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(a + (b^n))/n = x

The version of the story I heard used a different equation: e^(-iπ)=-1

I don't even get the significance of the equation in Mercury's version. Seems pointless to me - a simple bit of algebra with any number of solutions (e.g. a=1, b=1, n=1, x=2 or a=8.9, b=3.3, n=143.562, x=1.91x10^72). So what?

(In case your browser doesn't properly display it, the character to the right of 'i' in my equation is supposed to be the symbol for pi. The equation should read "e raised to the power negative i times pi equals negative one.")

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The version of the story I heard used a different equation: e^(-iπ)=-1

I don't even get the significance of the equation in Mercury's version. Seems pointless to me - a simple bit of algebra with any number of solutions (e.g. a=1, b=1, n=1, x=2 or a=8.9, b=3.3, n=143.562, x=1.91x10^72). So what?

The story stands discredited. But, what made it funny to me was not so much that Diderot was taken in, but rather the vision of a well-known mathematician using such a simple equation to "demonstrate" that "donc Dieu existe!"

It's that sight (although now I know Euler never did any such thing) that is comical. It reminds me of one Tom & Jerry (the cat-mouse cartoon series) episode in which Tom plays a piano concerto. The way he approached the piano with a snooty look on his face and the flourish with which he took his seat and all - now, that was funny.

When I first heard this Euler-Diderot tale, it was the sight of Euler (not so much Euler in particular but any well-known mathematician) before the Tsaritsa's court that was funny. I envisioned a Tom-like mien.

But, that's all beside the point now.

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The story stands discredited.  But, what made it funny to me was not so much that Diderot was taken in, but rather the vision of a well-known mathematician using such a simple equation to "demonstrate" that "donc Dieu existe!"

It's that sight (although now I know Euler never did any such thing) that is comical.  It reminds me of one Tom & Jerry (the cat-mouse cartoon series) episode in which Tom plays a piano concerto.  The way he approached the piano with a snooty look on his face and the flourish with which he took his seat and all - now, that was funny. 

When I first heard this Euler-Diderot tale, it was the sight of Euler (not so much Euler in particular but any well-known mathematician) before the Tsaritsa's court that was funny.  I envisioned a Tom-like mien.

But, that's all beside the point now.

Well, if I were one to be swayed by a mathematical argument for the existence of God, I'd be much more impressed with the equation in the version I heard. All those important numbers bearing that relationship, and such a simple one at that? What are the odds? I mean, there simply must be a God for that to be true! :P

So there isn't anything special about the equation in your version? It's not famous in mathematical circles or something? Doesn't have a name, e.g. "Speicher's Trans-Differential Rotini Bifurcation" or some such? ;)

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The version of the story I heard used a different equation: e^(-iπ)=-1

(In case your browser doesn't properly display it, the character to the right of 'i' in my equation is supposed to be the symbol for pi. The equation should read "e raised to the power negative i times pi equals negative one.")

That's a different equation usually associated with Euler, except there is no minus sign in the exponential. The better form is e^(i*pi) +1 = 0. In that form this simple equation relates five fundamental constants of mathematics: e, the natural logarithm; i, the square root of minus one; pi, the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter; and the integers zero and one. Because of this unique relation, people sometimes refer to this formula as one from God.

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Some funny quotes-

War isn't about dying for your country, it's about making some other poor SOB die for his.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

To find these and thousands more, go to www.alswaiter.net Once here, you need to click on the part of the pie that says AL's Wait and Eat. Then, click on the top part that says FanFun, and on the next page, go to slow food for thought. From there, you get to choose what to read-doesn't matter where you start, it's all hilarious.

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What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Reminds me of ....

There are basically two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide people into two kinds, and those who don't.

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There are basically two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide people into two kinds, and those who don't.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't. :P

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There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.  ;)

:P I love that one!

Here are some of my favourite corny science jokes:

Q: What does a theoretical physicist dream of?

A: Imaginary numbers

A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich he goes to pay at the cash register but the clerk tells him, "No charge for you!"

Q: A chemist is working with acids and bases when the police come to arrest him. What crime was he charged with?

A: Assault

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Theory is good...in theory.

Signs? Slow Children at Play

Church Bulletins? Low self-esteem meeting on Wednesday, members please use the back door. Little Mothers group shall meet on Tuesday, any woman wishing to become a little mother please speak with the pastor in his office.

Hotlines? This is the mental health hotline. If you have short term memory loss, press three, if you have short term memory loss press three, if you have short term memory loss press three... If you are dyslexic, dial 345890457590687908234680796. If you have low self esteem, all of your operators are busy, try again later. If you are paranoid, there is man behind you with a gun RUN!!!! If you are schizophrenic, the mothership will arrive to pick you up momentarily.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

For quotes like those, go to the site I said above(http://www.alswaiter.net/RB/Sft/ there aren't any special things you have to do to go farther if you just go to this adress).

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(I may be treading on thin ice, here. :P )

What was the topless dancer arrested for?

Having no visible means of support.

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BLOOPERS IN CHURCH BULLETINS

Here is a news article I found online, a year and a half ago:

They Said THIS In the Church Bulletin?

The following are excerpts from church bulletins nationwide. Who needs professional comedians when everyday folks are just as humorous? (Note: You have to read this carefully to catch the funniest mistakes.)

Preach it!

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."

The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Suffer the little children

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.

The Power of Prayer

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

After the worship service...

This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a national Prayer and Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Ladies, Ladies

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Choir Practice

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

The rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

Which Door Do I Use?

The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Members of the Congregation

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Watch Out for Those Potlucks

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.

HOW Much Money Should I Give?

The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

:P

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BLOOPERS IN CHURCH BULLETINS

Here is a news article I found online, a year and a half ago:

They Said THIS In the Church Bulletin? ...

I'm trying to recuperate from a laughing fit well-enough to write this post. Most of these are just hysterical! Thanks for the laughs, Bill.

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BLOOPERS IN CHURCH BULLETINS

Here is a news article I found online, a year and a half ago:

They Said THIS In the Church Bulletin?

omg, that was funny!

90% lollium! :P

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