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Jokes

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I didn't catch the whole thing, but Craig Ferguson ended a recent rant with something like,

NPR just sounds better in a Prius. (I knooooow!)

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How about adding some cow balls to your list? That will put you on the top of PETA's death list.

Cows have balls? Really? They have balls?

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How about adding some cow balls to your list? That will put you on the top of PETA's death list.

Cows have balls? Really? They have balls?

Sure. Don't you think it takes balls to loaf around all day when there's work to be done making milk?

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Poor Box

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

----------------------------------------------

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times..'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

-------------------------------------

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

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Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

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Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional... The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"

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The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

ROFL! ROFL! ROFL!

Any more like this one and I won't need to vacuum the floor this weekend.

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HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

--------------------

I tried it. It works. I fell better already.

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Heaviest Element Yet Known to Science Discovered

February 15, 2010 - 14:09 ET

Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California has now identified with certainty the heaviest element known to science.

The new element, Pelosium (PL), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Pelosium is inert, and has no charge and no magnetism. Nevertheless, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Pelosium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Pelosium has a normal half-life of 2 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a biennial reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. Pelosium mass will increase over time, since each reorganization will promote many morons to become isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium becomes Senatorium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Pelosium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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Jimmy Kimmel, said:

The German airline Lufthansa said it plans to resume some flights. Apparently there are so many Germans in France right now that the French government surrendered.

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A middle aged Jewish man was slowly walking down the street near his home, quite depressed was he. He saw another middle aged Jewish man sitting on a bench. He too looked concerned about something. They looked at each other and, realizing something was bothering each, started talking. After a few minutes, one of them asked the other what was bothering him. "Well, my son was brought up to be a good Orthodox Jew, and he just told me that he's converting to Christianity." "How sad," said the second man, "my son also just told me he's converting to Christianity. It seems to be a frequent problem." Both men hugged and almost cried in each others arms. Before departing, they wondered what could be done. "Let's go ask God for some advice." "Good idea" replied the second man. They went to the nearest synagogue and prayed to God, explaining what their problem was and asking for advice. All of a sudden, a voice from above answered them.

God said, "I feel your pain. I had the same problem with my son."

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The Doctors

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we took the kidney out of one man, put it in another, and had him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

A Chicago doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Chicago , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'

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Jeremy Clarkson, explaining why Citroen won't build more than a thousand copies of their noteworthy hothatch, the DS3 Racing:

They're French. That means they're idle Communists.

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Craig Ferguson (from memory):

July is Ice Cream Month. I love ice cream. Hell, everyone loves ice cream. Well, not everyone . . . al Qaeda doesn't love ice cream. They probably hate ice cream.

[...]

[a little raunchy]

I have ice cream like I have sex -- alone and in front of the TV

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Boy...you gotta feel for this poor guy! Let's hope Abby had some good advice for him...

------------------------

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who is an Obama supporter?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

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Mark Simone is sitting in for Hannity today (I guess Hannity is off somewhere, celebrating the Pinko Holiday.)

After several callers made non-points like Obama saved X number of jobs, saved the banking system, etc., Simone replied with (~):

President Bush averted seventeen wars we would've been in if he hadn't been president. He also saved 300M jobs, and saved the lives of 170K who would've been murdered had he not been in office.

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Great news for Mets and Red Sox fans: the 2010-11 football season is underway!

Go Jets and Giants!!

(And Ravens)

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People who feel righteous about lambasting their fellow Westerners for opposing the onslaught of Islam are like the guy who thought he was clever when he cheated during a round of Russian roulette by using a pistol.

Maybe not much of a joke, hmm...

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rosie_odonnell.jpg

Fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!

:):D:):DB):)B)

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