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Jokes

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rosie_odonnell.jpg

It's the missing link between men and apes...

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It's the missing link between men and apes...

Then it's unfortunate that it was found...

(Arnold: It's a photoshopped picture of Rosie O'donnell, and some dude who should really consider going the metrosexual way and wax his chest)

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It's the missing link between men and apes...

Then it's unfortunate that it was found...

(Arnold: It's a photoshopped picture of Rosie O'donnell, and some dude who should really consider going the metrosexual way and wax his chest)

It's Rosie fussed with this thing (Khalid Sheikh Mohammed):

m4.jpg

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rosie_odonnell.jpg

THE FORUM's first sight gag -- with an emphasis on the gagging.

Can we make that the Forum mascot?

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I might be mistaken, but I think this is the first Forum thread to go over 1000 posts. Congrats to all you jokesters out there!!

B)B)

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Seth Meyers, on 10/2:

On Friday, the White House released Rham Emanuel back into the wild.

Speculation is Emanuel is returning to Chicago to run for mayor. There are many questions facing his campaign, the biggest being, can he kiss a baby without it bursting into flames?

In an effort to drum up support for Democratic candidates, President Obama has been traveling the country and engaging voters in a series of backyard chats. He was going to do front yard chats, but then you get the foreclosure sign in the pictures.

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HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked..

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice...

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Or--I asked God for a bike and watched him work mysteriously through my hands and feet. The cop said it was stealing. I said it was a miracle.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Or--I asked God for a bike and watched him work mysteriously through my hands and feet. The cop said it was stealing. I said it was a miracle.

. . . and got elected to Congress.

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Voting for socialism because it sounds good is like cheating in Russian roulette...by using a pistol.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Loved that one. Got a hearty laugh from it.

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Obama has finally admitted there never was shovel-ready jobs. Rush Limbaugh pointed out that he's wrong about that. There are shovel-ready jobs: in healthcare - all of the old people who would be covered by Obamacare.

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HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

--------

-----------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked..

--------------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice...

I'll have to remember that line on my next cruise.

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The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began

to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk

and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that

only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

"She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got

hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all

she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival

knife.

"She drank the whiskey on the way down in case the bottle broke,

and then her parachute landed her right in the middle

of 20 Iraqi troops.

"She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out

of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,

and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.

'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible

story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

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The Woman Marine Pilot

I have read this type of joke/story before, but never with a woman as the Marine. From my own experience I would be willing to state that some Woman Marines (WM) can do things similar to this. I once had a WM who worked under me that could run, swear, carry a pack and much more just like her male counterparts. She always carried a straight blade knife attached to her calf and knew how to use it. One morning while leading a run up and down Camp Pendleton's many mountains this WM broke off from the platoon and ran into the bushes. I called another Marine out to take over the leading of the run while I went back to check on the WM. I ran back to where the WM had disappeared into the bushes and went no further as I was not certain what she was doing, instead I just yelled her name and asked if she was alright. The WM yelled back and said that she had had a long night of drinking and was puking in the bushes. After she came out of the bushes she wiped her face and we both sprinted back to the platoon and kept on running. The moral of the story is that one must know their limitations with alcohol. :D

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A banker, an electrician and a politician were asked the same question: Name the problem that occurs when expenditure exceeds input.

The banker replied "Overdraft"

The electrician replied "Overload"

The politician replied "What problem?"

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A banker, an electrician and a politician were asked the same question: Name the problem that occurs when expenditure exceeds input.

The banker replied "Overdraft"

The electrician replied "Overload"

The politician replied "What problem?"

The Harvard professor replied, "Problems are illusions created by the immoral."

The dictator replied, "Right, I eliminate all so-called problems."

The priest smiled upon the dictator.

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