piz

Jokes

1,184 posts in this topic

A father was sitting by the fireside, having a chat with his teenage son. He asks his son - "Son, did I ever tell you that I was named after Abraham Lincoln?".

His son answers, astonished - "Abraham Lincoln!? But your name is John Smith!!!"

His dad answers, with a wry smile on his lips - "Well son, Abraham Lincoln was named a *long* time ago!"

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A father was sitting by the fireside, having a chat with his teenage son. He asks his son - "Son, did I ever tell you that I was named after Abraham Lincoln?".

His son answers, astonished - "Abraham Lincoln!? But your name is John Smith!!!"

His dad answers, with a wry smile on his lips - "Well son, Abraham Lincoln was named a *long* time ago!"

Very cute.

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A father was sitting by the fireside, having a chat with his teenage son. He asks his son - "Son, did I ever tell you that I was named after Abraham Lincoln?".

His son answers, astonished - "Abraham Lincoln!? But your name is John Smith!!!"

His dad answers, with a wry smile on his lips - "Well son, Abraham Lincoln was named a *long* time ago!"

Very cute.

It is a clever example of equviocation on the word "after" - isn´t it?

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A father was sitting by the fireside, having a chat with his teenage son. He asks his son - "Son, did I ever tell you that I was named after Abraham Lincoln?".

His son answers, astonished - "Abraham Lincoln!? But your name is John Smith!!!"

His dad answers, with a wry smile on his lips - "Well son, Abraham Lincoln was named a *long* time ago!"

Very cute.

It is a clever example of equviocation on the word "after" - isn´t it?

Yes.

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Letterman read this classified ad recently:

FOR SALE

Complete Encyclopedia Americana. 1950s edition. $200. Never used. (Wife knew everything.)

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This is really funny for anyone who has ever worked with the government. (Hopefully the attachment works!)

They forgot the 5 page addendum on how the form complies with the "Paperwork Reduction Act".

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`````````````````````````````````````

`------------r--o--f--l----------------``````````````

```````````||````````````````````````

````````___||_____`````````````````

```````//_||R-O-F-L---\`````````L``L ````

``````/--C-O-P-T-R------|--------------O---|````

``````\____________/````````L``L``````

````````` |``````|````````````````````

``````\--------------------/````````````````

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Very very nice. Thanks, Brianna!

For young Objectivists, and those who missed them, my vote for best comics goes to The Far Side (1980-1995) by Gary Larson, and Calvin and Hobbes (1985-1995) by Bill Waterson. Collections of both are hugely available at large bookstores. :blink:

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This was a bit of a hit on my Facebook page.

http://deadspin.com/5716038/the-greatest-l...team-letterhead

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This was a bit of a hit on my Facebook page.

http://deadspin.com/5716038/the-greatest-l...team-letterhead

Sweet. Along those lines:

Dear Paul,

It has recently come to my attention that some idiotic jerk has been signing your name to some really stupid letters. See if you can nip this problem in the bud!

Faithfully Yours,

God

70 AD

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Letterman:
Soccer in the US isn't a sport, it's daycare.

Piz:

Soccer is hockey at the speed of golf.

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A man walks into a coffee shop and sits down at the counter. He asks to the waiter, "Coffee without cream, please." Five minutes later the waiter comes back and says, "We don't have any cream. Can you drink the coffee without milk?"

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-- Sir, did you know that the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?

-- Yes, but I wasn't planning on being out that long.

Steven Wright

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-- Sir, did you know that the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?

-- Yes, but I wasn't planning on being out that long.

Steven Wright

Cute. I'll try that if I need it someday.

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-- Sir, did you know that the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?

-- Yes, but I wasn't planning on being out that long.

Steven Wright

Cute. I'll try that if I need it someday.

It didn't work on the Taconic Parkway . . .

:)

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-- Sir, did you know that the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?

-- Yes, but I wasn't planning on being out that long.

Steven Wright

Cute. I'll try that if I need it someday.

It didn't work on the Taconic Parkway . . .

:)

My old hunting grounds!! I used to live in Yonkers.

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There’s a lot of debate on this subject—about what kind of car handles best. Some say a front-engined car; some say a rear-engined car. I say a rented car. Nothing handles better than a rented car.

-- P.J. O’Rourke

(Paul, if you still want to experience the fun stretches of the Taconic one last time, hurry up. They seem determined to turn the whole road into a far straighter six-laner. I'm sure expanding capacity and improving flow are way overdue, but it's sad to see one of the best driver's road in the North East go.)

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This joke was given to me by one of my clients that is a comedian and I thought people might get a laugh out of it.

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic: think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

My client is a female comedian.

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This joke was given to me by one of my clients that is a comedian and I thought people might get a laugh out of it.

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic: think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

My client is a female comedian.

:):D:) :) :)

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The Man with Two Bags

A man arrives at Ben Gurion International Airport with two large bags.

The customs agent opens the first bag and finds it full with money in different currencies.

The agent asks the passenger, "How did you get this money?"

The man says, "You will not believe it, but I traveled all over Europe, went into public restrooms, each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his organ and said, "donate money to Israel or I will cut-off your b***s."

The customs agent i s s tunned and mumbles: "well...it's a very interesting story... what do you have in the other bag?"

The man says, "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel"...

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Read this today and thought it was amusing: "Haven't you ever wondered about Eve? I mean the woman doomed all of mankind for a freaking apple! Can you imagine what she'd do for a klondike bar!?"

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