piz

Jokes

1,184 posts in this topic

Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.
- Ron Swanson, from the TV show Parks and Recreation. Also, Ron Swanson's Pyramid of Greatness: park-recs-pyramid_1500.jpg

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Limbaugh, referring to the killing of bin Laden (~):
That's why he got that Nobel Peace Prize!

The Swedish must be really pissed off now.

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Limbaugh, referring to the killing of bin Laden (~):
That's why he got that Nobel Peace Prize!

The Swedish must be really pissed off now.

Not nearly as much as the Pakistanis.

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From Evan Sayet:

So the koran was a little bit off. Instead of spending eternity with 72 virgins, Bin Laden's spending it with 72 STURGEONS.

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From Evan Sayet:
So the koran was a little bit off. Instead of spending eternity with 72 virgins, Bin Laden's spending it with 72 STURGEONS.

It looses something in the translation . . .

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A new fatwa has been issued: any fish found to have eaten parts of Bin Laden will be sent to the torture chambers for water boarding.

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Did you hear about the superintendant of schools who quit his job? He gave up his principals.

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A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

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A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

"I need it to poison my husband."

"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and took out ... a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

"I need it to poison my husband."

"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and took out ... a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

:):D

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Economy got you down? Your own subjects too stupid to know you're always right? Congress won't cave to your debt ceiling tantrums?

Try the Make Everything OK Button!

Boy, do I feel better now!! Amazing button.

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I think this real world story belongs on this thread . . .

A just saw a commercial for a "company" involved in government funded cell phone giveaways. The commercial first listed some of this service's ket features:

-- "It's important the people be able to reach you."

-- "You'll never miss an important call again."

-- "It's easy to transfer your number to the new phone." (Which number?)

They listed some of the terms, put up their contact info, then reenforced the pitch by showing a blue color type in the middle of a call. He moved the phone away from his ear for a second, and delivered this immortal line:

-- "Thanks to my new phone I can now call work when I'm running late."

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I think this real world story belongs on this thread . . .

A just saw a commercial for a "company" involved in government funded cell phone giveaways. The commercial first listed some of this service's ket features:

-- "It's important the people be able to reach you."

-- "You'll never miss an important call again."

-- "It's easy to transfer your number to the new phone." (Which number?)

They listed some of the terms, put up their contact info, then reenforced the pitch by showing a blue color type in the middle of a call. He moved the phone away from his ear for a second, and delivered this immortal line:

-- "Thanks to my new phone I can now call work when I'm running late."

"And call in sick when I don't feel like going to work."

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CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder:

Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited.

Two months passed and the couple are still waiting.

As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here !

Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?!'

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A preacher came upon a girl playing with a box holding a litter of new-born kittens inside. "What kind of kittens are those?", he asked.

"They're Christian kittens", she said. He left pleased she had Jesus in her thoughts.

A few days later he saw her again. "How are your Christian kittens doing?" he asked.

"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're Atheist", she replied.

"I thought they were Christian kittens." said the preacher.

"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open!"

(HT Mike Renzulli, a Facebook correspondent of mine)

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A guy goes into a doctor's office and asks for help. "What is it?" asks the doctor. "Doctor, I'm afraid I'm turning into a moth" The doctor replied" well, that's a problem, but I'm a GP. You need a psychiatrist". "I know, but your light was on!"

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A guy goes into a doctor's office and asks for help. "What is it?" asks the doctor. "Doctor, I'm afraid I'm turning into a moth" The doctor replied" well, that's a problem, but I'm a GP. You need a psychiatrist". "I know, but your light was on!"

Had me fluttering all around the room.

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For any Conan Doyle fans Out There:

THE TENT: Watson and Holmes Go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.

At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions of stars."

Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"

Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes retorts, "It tells me that someone stole our tent."

ruveyn

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For any Conan Doyle fans Out There:

THE TENT: Watson and Holmes Go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.

At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions of stars."

Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"

Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes retorts, "It tells me that someone stole our tent."

ruveyn

Good one. Always the good deducer.

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