piz

Jokes

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It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best little piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

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Indian Wanting Coffee:

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress.

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

NOVEMBER 2012 VOTE WISELY!

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Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a

Deserted street with your wife

And two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife

Comes around the corner,

Locks eyes with you,

Screams obscenities,

Raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a

Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND

THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Democrat's Answer:

· Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

· What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?

· Does the man look poor or oppressed?

· Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?

· Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

· Could we run away?

· What does my wife think?

· What about the kids?

· Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

· What does the law say about this situation?

· Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

· Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

· Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

· Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

· If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

· Should I call 9-1-1?

· Why is this street so deserted?

· We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.

· Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

· I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

· This is all so confusing!

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........ ......... .

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........ ......

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!

Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'

'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

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My son just sent me this news item:

Israel’s new ‘Cutting Edge’ Airport Security

post-2-0-24372000-1320911635.png

TEL AVIV, Israel — The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with no racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!”

BRILLIANT

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My son just sent me this news item:

Israel’s new ‘Cutting Edge’ Airport Security

post-2-0-24372000-1320911635.png

TEL AVIV, Israel — The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with no racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!”

BRILLIANT

And let the Word go Forth. Don't fool around with the Jews. "fool" is not exactly the F word I had in mind, but this is a family forum.

ruveyn

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So Kirk Douglas was having a drink with Sinatra in Vegas in the very late '60s, back when Vegas was run by a less than tolerant element . . .

Sinatra kept bothering Katz, the casino floor manager, with the kind of jokes and remarks that inevitably lead to "misunderstandings". After repeated warnings that he simply wasn't in the mood, Katz punched the iconic singer so hard that he knocked him off the bar stool, laying him flat on the ground. Douglas ran to his friend's side just as he was snapping out of it. Sinatra looked at Douglas and said:

"Never go up against a Jew in the middle of a dessert."

(A story I came across as I was skimming through Douglas' memoirs.)

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On the off chance that someone missed it:

10 REASON'S WHY COMPUTER'S ARE MALE

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

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"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.

"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!

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A professor of Greek Drama takes a pair of trousers which have a torn in-seam to Nikolides the tailer. Nikolides asks the professor: Euripides? The professor answer: Eumenides.

ruveyn

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A professor of Greek Drama takes a pair of trousers which have a torn in-seam to Nikolides the tailer. Nikolides asks the professor: Euripides? The professor answer: Eumenides.

One thing: when you measure the inseam, watch the testicles.

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A professor of Greek Drama takes a pair of trousers which have a torn in-seam to Nikolides the tailer. Nikolides asks the professor: Euripides? The professor answer: Eumenides.

One thing: when you measure the inseam, watch the testicles.

Eusqueezadese.

ruveyn

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The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

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And Michele Bachmann didn't do any better. Asked what she would do about the Shiites, she said she'd eat less fiber. -- Leno

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Apparently, Bachmann jumped on a plane the day after she graduated high school and went to work at a kibbutz.

John Stewart, commenting on the Israel love we're seeing from 2012 candidates:

Michele Bachmann loves Israel so much, she was willing to join a socialist collective.

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"They pulled me off the line [at the airport.] Meanwhile, the guy next to me was hovering on a rug." I didn't get the comic's name.

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Sign posted in window of a Miami business:

WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 MUSLIMS THAN WITH ONE JEW!

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(See next post)

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.

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-GOLDBERG'S FUNERAL HOME

Cute, very cute.

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It's just dawned on me....

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick...:

OMG! I think my dog is... a member of Congress!

And, were he in Italy, he would be... a member of the Parliament and/or the Senate!

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It's just dawned on me....

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick...:

OMG! I think my dog is... a member of Congress!

And, were he in Italy, he would be... a member of the Parliament and/or the Senate!

There is a quid pro quo here. You expect your dog to be grateful and wag his tail and look happy whenever you are around. A congress critter is an arrogant sullen creature. And he bites the hand the feeds him. If your dog had that attitude you would have him put down pretty damned quick.

Now you know why I prefer cats to dogs. Cats can hunt their own food (if they have to), they can bury their poops and clean up after themselves and they do not put on a happy grateful act. They are what they are and if you have a cat you accept it for what it is.

ruveyn

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It's just dawned on me....

[My dog] has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

[...]

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

Right to the end, Paul, I thought you were going to say, "OMG! Dogs are communists!"

OMG! I think my dog is... a member of Congress!

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