piz

Jokes

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JOKES FOR EVERYDAY OF THE WEEK

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No ######?'

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.

'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

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Martin Short, talking about flirting with the line between acceptable and unacceptable:

~"I once walked right up to Mel Brooks and asked what his beef was with the Nazis."

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Jimmy Fallon, referring to Tebow being traded to the Jets:

~"Thank you, Tim Tebow, for agreeing to help the destitute on Sundays."

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A young man took his 60 year-old uncle aside at a family party and just had to ask him, "How did an old guy like you get such a gorgeous 24 year-old wife?" His uncle winked and whispered, "I lied about my age. I told her I was 90."

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~"Funny thing about that [$640M] lottery: your chances of winning are about the same, whether you actual have a ticket of not." -- Letterman

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~"Funny thing about that [$640M] lottery: your chances of winning are about the same, whether you actual have a ticket of not." -- Letterman

Every one has two chances to win --- slim and none.

ruveyn

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~"Funny thing about that [$640M] lottery: your chances of winning are about the same, whether you actual have a ticket of not." -- Letterman

Every one has two chances to win --- slim and none.

ruveyn

Someone calculated that if you bought every combination, it would cost $178M. So it would have paid to do that to win the $640M.

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~"Funny thing about that [$640M] lottery: your chances of winning are about the same, whether you actual have a ticket of not." -- Letterman

Every one has two chances to win --- slim and none.

ruveyn

Someone calculated that if you bought every combination, it would cost $178M. So it would have paid to do that to win the $640M.

The tickets have to be purchased at a licensed vendor The most you can get in on transaction is a dozen quick picks. It would be a practical impossibility to buy up all the permutations.

ruveyn

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~"Funny thing about that [$640M] lottery: your chances of winning are about the same, whether you actual have a ticket of not." -- Letterman

Every one has two chances to win --- slim and none.

ruveyn

Someone calculated that if you bought every combination, it would cost $178M. So it would have paid to do that to win the $640M.

The tickets have to be purchased at a licensed vendor The most you can get in on transaction is a dozen quick picks. It would be a practical impossibility to buy up all the permutations.

It's been done in Virginia.

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~"Funny thing about that [$640M] lottery: your chances of winning are about the same, whether you actual have a ticket of not." -- Letterman

Every one has two chances to win --- slim and none.

ruveyn

Someone calculated that if you bought every combination, it would cost $178M. So it would have paid to do that to win the $640M.

The tickets have to be purchased at a licensed vendor The most you can get in on transaction is a dozen quick picks. It would be a practical impossibility to buy up all the permutations.

ruveyn

Each Quick Pick has 5 chances on it.

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~"Funny thing about that [$640M] lottery: your chances of winning are about the same, whether you actual have a ticket of not." -- Letterman

Every one has two chances to win --- slim and none.

ruveyn

Someone calculated that if you bought every combination, it would cost $178M. So it would have paid to do that to win the $640M.

The tickets have to be purchased at a licensed vendor The most you can get in on transaction is a dozen quick picks. It would be a practical impossibility to buy up all the permutations.

ruveyn

I just realized, you probably couldn't use Quick Picks because it may give you multiples of the same sequence of numbers, since the order is not important. You'd have to manually select the numbers.

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~"Funny thing about that [$640M] lottery: your chances of winning are about the same, whether you actual have a ticket of not." -- Letterman

Every one has two chances to win --- slim and none.

ruveyn

Someone calculated that if you bought every combination, it would cost $178M. So it would have paid to do that to win the $640M.

The tickets have to be purchased at a licensed vendor The most you can get in on transaction is a dozen quick picks. It would be a practical impossibility to buy up all the permutations.

ruveyn

I just realized, you probably couldn't use Quick Picks because it may give you multiples of the same sequence of numbers, since the order is not important. You'd have to manually select the numbers.

Someone played millions of dollars worth of picks in a Virginia lottery a while ago. They programed a computer to come up with "rational" permutations, coordinated with a concern that owned a string of 7-11s and won. Virginia actually prohibited this sort of thing soon after they won. (Somehow, they eliminated permutations they thought were unlikely, eg, sets with more than three consecutive numbers in them. I wish I knew enough about math to know what hypothesis - theory? - they used.)

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Someone played millions of dollars worth of picks in a Virginia lottery a while ago. They programed a computer to come up with "rational" permutations, coordinated with a concern that owned a string of 7-11s and won. Virginia actually prohibited this sort of thing soon after they won. (Somehow, they eliminated permutations they thought were unlikely, eg, sets with more than three consecutive numbers in them. I wish I knew enough about math to know what hypothesis - theory? - they used.)

People forget that the balls don't know what number is painted on them. Sequences matter not. In fact you are better off selecting a sequence and not having to share if you win.

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Some puns from a gal in my writers' group:

> I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

>

> When chemists die, they barium.

>

> Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

>

> I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

>

> How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

>

> I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

>

> This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

>

> I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

>

> I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

>

> They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

>

> PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

>

> Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

>

> We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

>

> I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

>

> Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

>

> When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

>

> Broken pencils are pointless.

>

> I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

>

> What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

>

> England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

>

> I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

>

> I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

>

> All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

>

> I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

>

> Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.

>

> Velcro — what a rip off!

>

> A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

>

> Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

>

> The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

>

> Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

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Indians who drink too much tea belong to the urination.

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She asked me to gofer some milk at the store but beefor I got there, ... [please figure out what I can put here]

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More like funny quotes about cars:

I was in my [Ferrari] 328 with my son, we were waiting or the light to turn green. 4 teenagers were gawking at the car. My son said: "Dang, now I know what it feels like to be a tall blonde with big boobs."

And one of my 4 year old son, when the teacher saw the toy Ferrari in his hand and said what a nice car he was bringing:

"It's not a car, it's a Ferrari!"

The thread is worth shifting through:

http://www.ferrarichat.com/forum/showthread.php?t=363878&highlight=son

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FORD = Fix or repair daily.

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Talking about Italian cars, this just came to mind: What does FIAT stand for? Answer: Fix it again, Tony.

A lot of people opt for the excitement Fiat puts into their cars over the reliability of, say, Honda, Toyota, etc.

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