piz

Jokes

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Square the first and multiply the second by the diameter and you're there.

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I asked God for a bike but I know it doesn't work that way.

So, I stole a bike and asked God for forgiveness instead.

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baconelement_fullpic_3.jpg

Caption should read: "Bloomberg: Suck my bacon!!"

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~"German law enforcement fired just eighty-five bullets last year -- and most of those were to silence the laughter of children." - Jimmy Kimmel

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Energy drink maker Monster just merged with Coke-a-Cola. This will allow Monster to compete with its primary competitor, meth. -- Seth Meyers.

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This is what I call my No Laugh Challenge

I challenge anyone to listen to this and not end up laughing:

That last minutes of Gung Din (or Rudyard Kipling fame).

ruveyn

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I thought this was clever enough to set aside the dire situation in the ME and the reasons for it:

"On Thursday, President Obama lit the national Christmas tree, or, as Fox News reported it, 'Obama insults Israel.'" -- Seth Meyers

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The Big Bang Theory's Leonard and Sheldon, trying to explain to Penny why they don't play with their collectible toys:

Leonard: No, once you open the box it loses its value.

Penny: Yeah, yeah, my mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity.

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The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

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Adam Carolla, talking to Dennis Miller about how disappointing it can be to meet your heroes:

I had that experience when I met my parents.

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The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

All this and more is covered in

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BH7m1_eedCE

Assume the Position presented by the comedian, Robert Wuhl

Very funny.

ruveyn

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John, from the movie, To Rome With Love, making the point to his younger self, Jack, that Monica, who he was infatuated with back then, was putting on airs when she spoke of the arts: “Oh, bullshit. You had six months of college. You know nothing of architecture but a few names. You saw THE MOVIE, The Fountainhead.”

Monica, to Jack: “I just find something so sexy about an uncompromising artist. I would do anything to spend a night with Howard Roark.”

John: “Oh, God, save me, save me! Another young woman who wants to give her body to Howard Roark.”

(Jack, of course, grows up to design shopping malls for lots of money, never designing the buildings he promised would radically change the architectural landscape.)

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"I can't unclench [my fists] when there's turbulence [on a flight], you know? I'm an atheist." -- Woody Allen, in To Rome With Love

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Morris (the father) says to his son: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
The son says: "I will choose my own bride."

Morris says: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."

The son answers: "Well, in that case, yes, okay."

Morris then approaches Bill Gates daughter : "I have a great husband for you."

Bill Gates daughter answers: "But I still study and I do not wish to get married yet!"

Morris says: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

And the daughter answers: "Ah, in that case, yes, okay."

Finally Morris goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Morris says: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
The president answers: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Morris says: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
The President answers: "Ah, in that case, yes, okay."

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