piz

Jokes

1,184 posts in this topic

OK, ya'll twisted my arm. :P

~~~~~~~

Alexander Haig interviewed on Hannity and Combs, 9/27/03 6:03PM:

"Sometimes foreign policy requires some contradictions, but it won't work

unless they are very well thought out."

~~~~~~~

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

~~~~~~~

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

1. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

2. Glock: The original point and click interface.

3. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

4. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

5. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

6. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

~~~~~~~

"I believe totally in a Capitalist System, I only wish that someone would try it" -Frank Lloyd Wright

~~~~~~~

"I've put in so many enigmas and puzzles that it will keep the professors busy for centuries over what I meant, and that's the only way of ensuring one's immortality."

-- James Joyce

"Why don't you write books people can read?"

-- Nora Joyce, to her husband James

~~~~~~~

"You can observe a lot by watching." - Yogi Berra

~~~~~~~

"Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser." ~ Paul Newman

~~~~~~~

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

~~~~~~~

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."

"Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice-versa."

"Mr. that boy couldn't hit the ground if he fell out of an airplane."

"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them."

"The trick is growing up without growing old."

--Casey Stengel

~~~~~~~

"A capable orchestra concealed in a bower of wistaria

played with sufficient judgment to make the art of

music probable and the art of conversation possible."

- O. Henry

;)

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Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

That reminds me of a professor in college, who once said, "All of classical dynamics can be summed up in one sentence: start with Newton's second law and then derive like Hell ! "

Q: A chemist is working with acids and bases when the police come to arrest him. What crime was he charged with?

A: Assault

Now that we seem to have exhausted the priest-rabbi-minister triumvirate, let's move on to ...

... An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are all attending the same symposium out of town. They all fly in the night before and are sleeping in separate hotels.

During the night, the engineer awakes to find that a small fire has broken out in his room. He immediately rushes out into the hallway, finds a fire extinguisher, and uses it to dowse the fire. Then he goes back to sleep.

By sheer coincidence, the physicist also awakens to a small fire. He grabs a pencil and a sheet of paper and, taking into account the flammable material's properties, the observed propagation rate, etc., he starts scribbling down calculations. When he's finished, he walks into the bathroom and emerges with a glass filled with just enough water to dowse the fire, but leaving no water to waste. He dowses the fire and goes back to sleep.

By even more sheer coincidence, a fire breaks out in the mathematician's room. He wakes up, contemplates the fire for a while, and then goes into the bathroom. He comes out with a glass of water. Then he lights a match and dips it into the glass. "Aha!", he declares. "A solution exists!"

Then he goes back to sleep. :P

_______________________

Q: What's the difference between aerospace engineers and civil engineers?

A: Aerospace engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

_______________________

A parting shot:

Def: Gun Control (gun ken-trol') n. Good aim.

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BLOOPERS IN CHURCH BULLETINS ...

Stephen, where is the little smiley icon for spewing your drink all over your monitor?

Bill, I simply MUST steal this.

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Now that we seem to have exhausted the priest-rabbi-minister triumvirate, let's move on to ...

... An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are all

Ok, I think I can keep the theme...

...An engineer, experimental physicist, theoretical physicist and a philosopher are taking a hiking trip together through the Welsh hills....suddenly across the valley the engineer sees a black sheep & proclaims "What dya know - the sheep in Wales are black!?"....the Experimental Physicist pauses..."Well at least some of the sheep in Wales are black"....the Theoretical Physicist contends "At least -one- sheep in Wales is black"........."On one side anyway..." the philosopher adds cheerfully. :P

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OK, if we're resorting to quotes, here's most of my humorous quote file (I left out the ones that would only mean something to me):

"Boy, I feel safer now that Martha Stewart is behind bars. O.J. & Kobe are walking around, Osama Bin Laden is still out there, and they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard and haul her ass to jail." - Tim Allen

"If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats." - Lemony Snicket

"A one kilometer asteroid dropping in unannounced, it is estimated, could pretty well put Earth out of business. It was an asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs, who had neglected to invent the telescope." - James Smart

"Everyone has a plan until they get hit in the face." - Neil Everett

"Go away. I'm all right." - H.G. Wells, last words

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain

"Omnipotence! Gotta get me some of that!" - Stewey (character on The Family Guy)

"Entropy isn't what it used to be." - Unknown

"Left to itself - and that is what it is when it dies - the body tends to revert to a state of equilibrium with its environment." - Richard Dawkins

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." - Unknown

"Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others." - Ambrose Bierce

"One woman's sexual harrassment is another woman's night off." - Karen Walker (character on Will & Grace)

"Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of husband your wife would have preferred." - Leroy Lockhorn

"I think I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here." - Alan Bornstien

"If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?" - Unknown

"Even if theory and practice are the same in theory, they are definitely different in practice." - Paul Nevai

"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin

"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film." - Unknown

"I have been told that Wagner's music is much better than it sounds." - Bill Nye

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you'll be happy; if you get a bad one you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates

"A little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable." - Ogden Nash

"If the nation's economists were lined up end to end they would point in all directions." - Arthur M. Motley

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson

"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife." - Douglas Adams

"Every time a clique is formed, a mime gets his sparklers." - Randi Fine

"For every action, there is an equal & opposite government program." - Unknown

"Those who say money can’t buy happiness and love just don’t know how to shop!" - Michael Miller

"I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence." - Edgar Allen Poe

"Never start the dryer before counting all the cats." - Anonymous

"Home is where the house is." - Unknown, age 6

"It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it's just a great, big game of 'Find the Eye.'" - Michael P

"Dad needs subtitles." - Chris P

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OK, if we're resorting to quotes, here's most of my humorous quote file ...

Some really funny ones there. Here's one that is just a little funny, maybe just clever.

"Three percent exceeds 2 percent by 50 percent, not by 1 percent." - Edward Denison

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Loved the quotes. :D

OK, jokes. Right. :D

(Thanks go to my best friend, Erskine, for passing this one on to me.)

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the

cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,

and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are

several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. B)

Also worth passing on (Thanks, Sandra K):

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced the altitude

and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted.

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour

ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman replied, "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet

above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and

between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a republican, "said the balloonist.

"I am," said the woman." "How did you know?"

"Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically

correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact

is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded. "You must be a democrat."

"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are

going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to

solveyour problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in

before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

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TOO SOON TO TELL

The boss at an office noticed that an employee seemed quite excited.

"What is it?" asked the boss.

The employee replied, "My wife's going to have a baby."

"Well, then, what are you doing here? Take the day off!"

"Thank you," said the employee, and he left.

The next day the boss saw him again. "Well, which was it?" he asked. "A boy or a girl?"

The employee replied, "Oh, it's much too soon to tell. We have to wait 9 months to find out."

Footnote for younger readers: this joke dates from the 1960s, when you really did have to wait.

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Okay, I think I heard this one from a friend who's substitute teacher told him this story. If you have heard this before, it is because the substitute did not tell the truth.

The substitute happened to be a former economics professor who would send students out to interview people and get an idea of what the real world was like. One day he sent students to an insurance company. They stumbled across an insurance claim in which a man stated he "lost his presence of mind". The company wrote back asking him to clarify what exactly that meant. He responded with:

"I was working construction on a six story building. It was the end of the day, I was the only one left on the site, and there was 500 pounds of brick left on the top of the building. Because carrying the bricks down by hand would have taken too long, I constructed a pulley system and hoisted a barrel up to the top rope and tied it off. I placed all of the bricks in to the barrel, and, losing my presence of mind, I proceeded to go down and untie the rope which held the barrels. Then, losing my presence of mind for the second time, I forgot to let go of the rope when I untied it. The barrel and I met on the third story, which resulted in a concussion and broken shoulder. I proceeded up the top floor and, losing my presence of mind a third time, forgot to let go again and my hand became jammed up the second knuckle in the pulley. When the barrel hit the ground, the bricks fell out. I met with the barrel on the third floor, which resulted in my two broken legs. I continued on to the ground when I landed on the pile of bricks, which accounts for my broken back. Losing my presence of mind for the final time, I let go of the rope. The barrel landed on my chest, which resulted in my three broken ribs and cracked pelvis."

The insurance company granted his claim.

Zak

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Not a joke here, but a bit of humor in verse.

Determined

I have not chosen to say

That I have no choice what I say,

And I have not chosen to post it

Or pick up my drink and toast it.

I'm a robot in all that I do,

A robot in all that I am,

Determined to sit with my brew

Remembering choice is a sham.

"The bar is closing at one."

Wait! Can't you see I'm not done?

My God! How can you so dare!?

You're not, evidently, fair!

"I have not chosen to meet

The seat of your pants with the street,

But it comes with a bit of a smile, oh;

A choiceless, choicy style, oh?"

________________________________

Brian Faulkner

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B) I'm new here but I got some jokes I'm sure will be enjoyed.

Why was Heisenburg unable to please his wife?

Because everytime he had the momentum, he didn't have the position, and everytime he had the energy he just didn't have the time.

---

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a fish?

Nothing, a fish is scaler.

---

Why is 6 scared of 7?

Because 7, 8 (ate), 9.

---

What is the integral of 1/(mower)?

ln(mower).

---

What has two legs and bleeds alot?

Half a cat.

---

That's all I got off the top of my head.

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Since riddles seem to popular in here I got a good one.

Where on Earth can you go south 1km, east 1km and then north 1km, and end up where you started?

There is another place, where is that?

There is a series of these places, an infinite number of them, how would you describe them?

*please don't analyse my use of the concept (or process) of infinity, you get the gist* B)

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Where on Earth can you go south 1km, east 1km and then north 1km, and end up where you started?

OK, I'll take a crack at this: the North Pole.

There is another place, where is that?

I'm guessing that you are referring to the fact that there is more than one North Pole: the geographic, magnetic, and celestial poles.

There is a series of these places, an infinite number of them, how would you describe them?

Any direction you pick to walk from the North Pole is south. So you could pick an "infinite" number of directions in which to walk and still end up in the same place.

But this does not meet the "'infinite' number of places" criterion. I get the sneaking suspicion I just gave Mr. Spock's answer to a child's riddle, and when the answer is revealed there will be mirth at my expense ... B)

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Since riddles seem to popular in here I got a good one.

Where on Earth can you go south 1km, east 1km and then north 1km, and end up where you started?

There is another place, where is that?

There is a series of these places, an infinite number of them, how would you describe them?

*please don't analyse my use of the concept (or process) of infinity, you get the gist*  B)

Or I could take it just as you said.

USA is the answer to the first. After doing all of those, you end up still in the US.

Another place is China.

Any country, or any region, city, state, territory, county, etc. larger than 1km that has a name can follow this rule

:-p

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Or I could take it just as you said.

USA is the answer to the first.  After doing all of those, you end up still in the US.

Another place is China. 

Any country, or any region, city, state, territory, county, etc. larger than 1km that has a name can follow this rule

:-p

"Same place" for this riddle doesn't mean the same general area, it means a specific point on the surface of the earth. Now try it B)

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The other place is anywhere on a 1-km circle from the SOUTH pole. You keep going around the pole until you get where you started.

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"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." - Comedian Steven Wright

Here are some more of his gems:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!

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"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." - Comedian Steven Wright

I never heard of Steven Wright before you mentioned him here, yet for many years I have read a lot of the clever quips that you posted. Amazing that all of those classics were originated by him, and this is the first time I hear his name.

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I never heard of Steven Wright before you mentioned him here, yet for many years I have read a lot of the clever quips that you posted. Amazing that all of those classics were originated by him, and this is the first time I hear his name.

I don't know whether he originated them or not. I have enjoyed his TV stand-up specials, though. He has a very deadpan style of delivery that I really like. (And it's just a bit odd how much he looks like my old quantum physics professor.)

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I don't know whether he originated them or not.  I have enjoyed his TV stand-up specials, though.  He has a very deadpan style of delivery that I really like.  (And it's just a bit odd how much he looks like my old quantum physics professor.)

You can catch a couple clips of his standup at his website.

Here's his bio:

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

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This one if funny only because it is really happened. Last summer, my dad, my brother, and I went on a seven day backpacking trip. After we were done, we decided to get some ice cream at the top of the pass before heading home. There was a gas station with a sort of "Ma and Pa" type store. My bro and I got our ice cream and were stretching by our truck when we noticed that there was this HUGE Dodge Ram 3500 pickup- big monster tires, turbo engine, boat trailer... I mean this was one huge rig- RUNNING with the gas pump in. The owner wasn't even watching it. Then I notice this older couple walking toward it. The guy has on a full cowboy suit- pink shirt, belt, boots, hat, huge pot belly, etc. When they get into hearing range, I hear the lady say, "Hank, why'd ya leave the truck runnin'?"

(redneck accent) "So I could get the damn thing started again, woman!"

She hangs her head and says "Yes, Hank."

My brother and I just laughed our heads off. This is the year 2004! That stuff isn't supposed to happen.

Perhaps it's an inside joke, but I hope you guys enjoy it.

Zak

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MORE Bloopers from Church Bulletins:

"The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens."

taken from: http://www.infidels.org/misc/humor/church_bulletins.html

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Cripes, here's more, from the same site!

16 Reasons Why God Never Received Tenure at the University

Author Unknown

He had only one major publication

And it was in Hebrew

And it had no references

And it was not published in a refereed journal

And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself.

It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?

His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.

He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.

He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book.

He has his son teach the class.

He expelled His first two students for learning too much.

Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.

His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top."

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