piz

Jokes

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Omigod, there's more!

What If the Beach Boys Had Made Christian Rock? (1996) by Todd M. Pence and David R. Feeney

CALIFORNIA CULTS

("California Girls")

Well, Krishna cults are hip, I dig the way they shave their hair

And that Waco cult with old Dave Koresh really gave the Feds a scare

The Midwest farming communes really lean far to the right

And the Moonie cults with their programming, they keep their members locked up tight

I wish they all could be California, wish they all could be California,

I wish they all could be California cults

The west coast had the followers of the late Jimmy Jones

They had their pitchers of kool-aid all ready to chug when the good Lord called 'em home

I've been all through the Bible and I can't find where it's wrong

So take away my freedom get me back with the Lord back in the cult where I belong

I wish they all could be California, wish they all could be California,

I wish they all could be California cults

for more, go to: http://www.infidels.org/misc/humor/beach.html

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Really funny stuff, thanks for posting it. I just made a link to that site on Objectivism.net.

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The church jokes are hilarious, Bill! :)

You might enjoy this church sign generator.

I am particularly fond of blonde jokes (I am blonde). Here's one my husband sent me last week... B)

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. - I'm a 6ft tall, 200lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5. - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,"Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

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A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. [...]

Really funny.

My favorite "blonde joke" is a simple one.

Q. What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?

A. Artificial intelligence.

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I never heard of Steven Wright before you mentioned him here, yet for many years I have read a lot of the clever quips that you posted. Amazing that all of those classics were originated by him, and this is the first time I hear his name.

He's a spaced out sort of comedian, who does standup and tells one liners in a monotone, matter-of-fact style. The jokes are usually quite clever. He rarely cracks a smile.

I remember a few of his... let's see... B)

I live close to an airport and the planes fly so low, that once I was standing in my living room and the stewardess told me to sit down.

Another one...

I put a blank tape in my stereo and cranked the volume up to high. There was a knock on my door. It was my neighbor, the mime. He told me to turn it down, it's too loud.

Or,

You know how sometimes you lean back in your chair, lose your balance and at the last second catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

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Blonde jokes?

Hmmm...

A group of women get onto a double decker bus for a tour. The top section of the bus is full of blondes. As they are touring the women on the first level are talking and having a great time, when someone noticed there's no sound coming from the second level.

One of the women on the first level goes up to see why. She sees all of the blondes frozen with fear, their finger nails burried into the seat in front of them. She asks what's wrong, and one of the blondes responds nervously, look! there's no driver!

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Blonde jokes?

A blonde goes to the eye doctor. Once in the examination chair, he asks her to cover her left eye and read the chart. She puts her hand over her right eye. He says, "No, no. Please cover your left eye." Again, she covers her right eye. This goes on for a few more tries, and the doctor gets frustrated. So he leaves the room, then comes back with a paper bag. He cuts a hole in the bag and puts it over the blonde's head so that her left eye is covered and she can only see with her right eye. "Now, read the chart," he says. The blonde immediately bursts into tears.

"What's the matter?" the doctor asks.

The blonde bawls, "I wanted to get contacts!"

(I'd tell my other favorite blonde joke, but it probably crosses the "dirty joke" line. Anyone who wants to see it can PM me. B))

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The other place is anywhere on a 1-km circle from the SOUTH pole. You keep going around the pole until you get where you started.

Right idea! If you are 1km above the point on Earth where the circumference is 1km, then when you go east you end up where you started, so when you go north you are back where you started.

The infinite number of solutions follows simply, by increasing your number of trips around the Earth. So the points that are 1km north of where the circumference of the Earth is 1/2km, 1/3km, 1/4, etc.

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A new element is discovered!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium."

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as the Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Credit to Maximus otter on Bladeforums.com...

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OK, I confess. As some of you doubtless have suspected, I started reading Mad in the summer of 1957. (I stopped reading it in the early '60s: the magazine's golden age had passed.) It made a profound impression on my young mind (seriously), encouraging me in my free-thinking, questioning ways.

One classic illustration from those early years, showed a large audience in a Hollywood studio, facing a stage where a TV show was being filmed. An official prompter near the stage, with a jerky grin on his face, held up a sign telling the audience: "Laugh!"

A man in the audience held up a sign toward the prompter: "Ha, ha!"

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True story. I was sitting outside of Starbucks reading ITOE. Lots of people were around when an old women dressed in traditional Middle Eastern garb comes up and taps me on the shoulder. I set down my book and she hands me a note that reads, "I am poor and have children to feed. Please donate money. God bless." I looked at the note, looked at her, and as I picked up my book I said, "I'm sorry, but I can't read."

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Here's a joke about the importance of context:

A seven-year old boy comes into the kitchen and sits down to dinner with his mother and father. He says to his mother, "Mommy, where do I come from?"

His mother, a bit flushed, says, "We'll talk to you about that later on."

The boy says, "Okay, because my friend Jimmy says he's from Chicago."

I like that one a lot because its easy to remember and tell, and of the point it makes about context.

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There used to be two little boys that lived down the street from me. They were about 8 years old and twins. Everyone in the neighborhood, however, was extrodinarily puzzled as to how different these two boys were. One boy was a supreme optimist, the other the worst little pessimist any of us had ever seen. Their doctor was quite intrigued as to how twins could be this different. He asked to do an experiment on the little boys to see if just once he could make the optimist think badly of his situation and vice-versa for the pessimist. He put the little pessimist in a giant room full of every toy a little boy could ever want and the boy just sat down in the middle of the room with his little arms crossed and a scowl on his face. He put the little optimist in a room filled with a giant pile of manure, ten feet high at least, and the little boy just stared at the pile. He came back in an hour to the little pessimist, expecting to find him having the time of his life. The little boy had not moved an inch. The doctor asked, "Whats the matter? Haven't you played with any of these toys?" The little boy said, "Nope." Doctor said, "Why not? Whats wrong with these?" pointing to a pair of rollerblades. The little boy said, "I might fall down and skin my knee." "What about this?" the doctor said, pointing to a wooden rocking horse. "I might get splinters," the little boy replied. Realizing the little boy had thought of what could go wrong with every toy, he decided to visit the little optimist. "Surely," the doctor thought, "the little optimist could find nothing good about his situation." To the contrary, when the doctor walked in he found the little boy grabbing great big handfuls and manure and slinging as high as he could into the air, throwing it just as fast as his little arms could manage. "Whats going on? Why are you throwing the manure everywhere? How could you be having fun in manure?" The little boy replied, "With all this manure there just has to be a pony somewhere."

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The Presocratics have better one-liners than Henny Youngman. [ba-boom!]

Use your mentality.

Wake up to reality. [Cole Porter, “I’ve got you under my skin,”]

Seeking financial backing for exciting, new

TV game show, "What's Your Metaphysics?!"

I just met a girl named Medea.

She said, "Come with me or I'll kill ya." [sung to “West Side Story”]

Dewey-eyed Pragmatists

Nature, to be commanded, must be strangled and clubbed.

Francis Bacon never had a frozen computer.

Every time I listen to an Al Gore speech, I develop Attention Deficit Disorder.

I am Ping!

In my capacity as 3rd Sub-Ambassador of Laquered Tables from the Fat Oils Dynasty to the hill tribes of the Ah So Semi-Autonomous Region, I have been instructed by the disgraced

concubine, Ooh Wee, of His Excellency, Dim Sum, to purchase a deservedly obscure but erotic

painting from the Chung-King Master, Yuck Foo, entitled "Lotus Blossoms and Ben-Wa Balls." Be quiet, fool! His Excellency is composing the fifth stanza of his new poem, "Laugh Like a Swan, Cry Like a Grasshopper." Your assistance is a matter of some urgency. You have been told.

BOYCOTT FRENCH PHILOSOPHY!

------------------------------------

SACK SARTRE

DISS DESCARTES

MASH MERLEAU-PONTY

DUMP DERRIDAS

RIP RICOUER

MANGLE MONTAIGNE

Being is a plenum. Parmenides

There's always something. Rosannadannadanna

The day suddenly became night, as there on the sidewalk, the portal to a sunless universe, with it’s tail and whiskers, destroyed the light and stopped and looked at me.

Reason becomes involved in darkness and contradictions.... [Manny Kant]

Oh, my mind is messed up, going ‘round and ‘round. [Jimi Hendrix]

D’oh! [Homer Simpson]

The revolution is over. The bums lost. [The Big Lebowski]

Wherever you go, there you are.

[pig tender, “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome”]

What's your good-to-go psycho-epistemology?

This is a complicated case, Maude. A lot of ins, a lot of outs, a lot of

what-have-yous, a lot of strands to keep in my head, man. Lot of

strands in old Duder’s head.

[The Dude (Jeff Bridges), “The Big Lebowski,”]

Postmodernism is for GIRLIE-MEN.

Objectivism will PUMP YOU UP!

A mousetrap of out-of-context knowledge,

with a superficially good idea as the cheese.

Drunkard, with the face of a dog and the heart of a deer!

[Achilles to Agamemnon, re Briseis, in The Iliad, Homer,]

Because cats always land on their feet and toast always lands buttered side

down, you can construct a perpetual motion machine by simply strapping a

slice of buttered toast to a cat's back. When the cat is dropped it will remain

suspended and revolve indefinitely due to the opposing forces. [Anon., ]

Oh, so you lost your train of thought?!

Which way did the train go? [bartender's wife to drunk]

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Some cute stuff there, but "Manny Kant" all by itself left me rolling! Oh...My...God!

:D :D :D

"Yo, Manny! I got yer 'pure reason' riiight heah!"

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This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to build communism in America?”

We’re answering: “It's possible, but who will we buy grain from?”

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This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it true that American skyscrapers are the tallest in the world?”

We’re answering: “Yes, it's true, but on the other hand the Soviet-made transistors are the largest in the world.”

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This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What will be the results of the next elections?”

We’re answering: “Nobody can tell.” Somebody has stolen yesterday the exact results of the next elections from the office of the Central Committee of the USSR.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?”

We’re answering: “The English fairy tale start with ‘Once upon a time…’, and ours with ‘It will be soon…’”

Check out this webiste, the jokes are HILARIOUS: http://www.johndclare.net/Russ12_Jokes.htm

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Some cute stuff there, but "Manny Kant" all by itself left me rolling! Oh...My...God!

:D :D :D

"Yo, Manny! I got yer 'pure reason' riiight heah!"

I see that you like broadsword humor. I prefer the rapier.

:D

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I see that you like broadsword humor. I prefer the rapier.

:D

Oh, I have no preference. I am skilled in the subtle intricacies of nuanced wordplay as well as the flamboyant frap of the fart. Context is everything...

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Oh, I have no preference. I am skilled in the subtle intricacies of nuanced wordplay as well as the flamboyant frap of the fart. Context is everything...

Is that a chocolate frap?

In what context is context everything? And if one should venture beyond that context,

would context be only something or even nothing? I hope you appreciate the context

of my comments.

Perhaps I spoke too hastily. I also enjoy many types of humor, from Benny Hill to

the Critique of Pure Reason.

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Oh, I have no preference. I am skilled in the subtle intricacies of nuanced wordplay as well as the flamboyant frap of the fart. Context is everything...

I realize now I should have used "flagrant" instead of "flamboyant," thus turning a fart joke into nuanced wordplay...
Is that a chocolate frap?

Certainly not, sir! You insult me! Éclairs at 10 paces!
In what context is context everything? And if one should venture beyond that context, would context be only something or even nothing? I hope you appreciate the context of my comments.

You rationalists and your contextually contextless contextibility*. Sheesh.

=====

*Pronounced kän-"tekst-&-'bi-l&-tE. See this thread for info on my habit of making up words. See the ancillary writings accompanying The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien, whose work I love, to figure out why I would go to all the trouble of adding a note like this. See this thread for another example. Then please send help... :D

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