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Jokes

1,184 posts in this topic

This one had me ROTFL ....

The Religious Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue.

Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

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One in the vein of Stephen's cat and toast.

The Two Step Method For Unassisted Human Flight

Step One: Throw yourself at the ground as hard as you can

Step Two: Miss

(Douglas Adams)

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One in the vein of Stephen's cat and toast. 

 

The Two Step Method For Unassisted Human Flight 

 

Step One:  Throw yourself at the ground as hard as you can 

 

Step Two:  Miss 

 

(Douglas Adams) 

 

:D

The tricky part in missing your target is that you must also forget about it completely. Thinking about the ground while attempting this has some nasty consequences.

~Aurelia

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That part about missing the ground ...

Before I moved to California and was priced out of the hobby, I was learning to fly. Pilots rightfully obsess not about taking off or flying (other than the ickiness of stalls) but on hitting the ground again at just the right speed. Forget everything else -- landing an airplane is the most important thing you will ever do with one.

But after everything -- whether it's a simple cross country or aerobatics -- there's nature's little irony: the ground effect that is keeping you floating a few feet above the runway like the puck on an air hockey table. Stuff it and punch through it too soon or hover and stall ... either way you slam down hard onto the runway.

Hitting the ground once you want to is hard! Call it God's little irony! :D

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My uncle sent me this:

Forget Rednecks ... here's what Jeff Foxworthy has to say on New Englanders: ******************************************************************

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping it will swim by, you might live in New England.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt. Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other majority in the US, you live in New England.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you live in New England.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you live in New England.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.

"Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day, and back again.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

"Down South" to you means Philadelphia.

Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.

Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 10 degrees "a little chilly."

You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends

I'm from New England, though I live in the Pacific Northwest now.

Zak

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If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you live in New England.

If you run a gauntlet at a Home Depot parking lot of people offering you assistance --in Spanish, and they don't work there ...

If the homeless hit you up for change inside the grocery store ...

If you judge prospective dates on the quality of their head shots ...

If you walk in front of some tourist taking a picture and have to supress the instinct to say, "Crossing camera!" ...

... you might live in southern California

Couldn't resist. B)

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Inside Jokes:

1) What would you call it if you saw "Dominique Francon" and "Howard Roark" lounging on the "I DO"?

Floating Attractions.

2) What did the author of _Atlas Shrugged_ use to correct typos?

Rand's eraser.

3) An Objectivist who claims to be a witness to a crime is brought into a room by police. Installed in one wall is a one-way mirror. Through the mirror, they can see in another room a line-up of men. One policeman says to the witness, "These are suspects in the recent jewel heist." He asks, "Do you think you can identify the guilty party?" The Objectivist thinks for a while. "Let me see..."

The police continue to converse with the witness, and after some time the men in the line-up start to fidget. There's a desk in the room with assorted items. One of the men in the line-up spies the pitcher of water and points at an empty glass. He speaks up, and he asks aloud, "May I have a drink?" An officer says into an intercom, "Yes, but remember we're watching you...no funny business!" "Okay," the suspect responds. He goes to reach for the pitcher, and he inadvertently knocks off the desk the book he brought from his jail cell.

"Oh no!" the witness yells. One police officer exclaims, "What's the matter? ...Oh, you recognize the criminal by his voice?!?" The Objectivist sheepishly responds, "ermmmm, no it's not just that...." Another officer nudges the officer who queried the witness, "Psst, it's okay." "What are you talking about?" "He just noticed the con's text drop onto the floor."

The witness confidently follows with, "I just want to know more about what's in that book in order to get the full story....OH!" The first officer shouts, "Now what?" "Look at THAT!" The second officer asks, "What are you talking about?" The witness says, "Look at the book!" The first officer yells into the intercom, "Hey you, hold up that book you just picked up so we can see the front cover!" The book is titled _How to Make BIG BUCKS on Aromatherapy!!!_. The witness shouts, "I already had him pegged, but now I know he's trying to cash-in on whiff-worshipping too!"

(no spelling erros, baby! :D )

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>>>(no spelling erros, baby! :D )

Okay,... (hands on hips) who let Murphy in here?! ;P

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I haven't read this whole thread, so I hope this isn't a duplicate. I thought this one would go over well on this forum.

Dean, to the physics department:

Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff? Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department? All they need are pencils and paper.

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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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A friend e-mailed this (I have no idea of the original source):

"Electron Band Structure In Germanium, My A**

Abstract: The exponential dependence of resistivity on temperature in germanium is found to be a great big lie. My careful theoretical modeling and painstaking experimentation reveal 1) that my equipment is crap, as are all the available texts on the subject and 2) that this whole exercise was a complete waste of my time.

"Introduction

Electrons in germanium are confined to well-defined energy bands that are separated by "forbidden regions" of zero charge-carrier density. You can read about it yourself if you want to, although I don't recommend it. You'll have to wade through an obtuse, convoluted discussion about considering an arbitrary number of non-coupled harmonic-oscillator potentials and taking limits and so on. The upshot is that if you heat up a sample of germanium, electrons will jump from a non-conductive energy band to a conductive one, thereby creating a measurable change in resistivity. This relation between temperature and resistivity can be shown to be exponential in certain temperature regimes by waving your hands and chanting "to first order".

"Experiment procedure

I sifted through the box of germanium crystals and chose the one that appeared to be the least cracked. Then I soldered wires onto the crystal in the spots shown in figure 2b of Lab Handout 32. Do you have any idea how hard it is to solder wires to germanium? I'll tell you: real goddamn hard. The solder simply won't stick, and you can forget about getting any of the grad students in the solid state labs to help you out.

Once the wires were in place, I attached them as appropriate to the second-rate equipment I scavenged from the back of the lab, none of which worked properly. I soon wised up and swiped replacements from the well-stocked research labs. This is how they treat undergrads around here: they give you broken tools and then don't understand why you don't get any results.

"Fig. 1: Check this s**t out.

In order to control the temperature of the germanium, I attached the crystal to a copper rod, the upper end of which was attached to a heating coil and the lower end of which was dipped in a thermos of liquid nitrogen. Midway through the project, the thermos began leaking. That's right: I pay a cool ten grand a quarter to come here, and yet they can't spare the five bucks to ensure that I have a working thermos.

"Results

Check this s**t out (Fig. 1). That's bonafide, 100%-real data, my friends. I took it myself over the course of two weeks. And this was not a leisurely two weeks, either; I busted my a** day and night in order to provide you with nothing but the best data possible. Now, let's look a bit more closely at this data, remembering that it is absolutely first-rate. Do you see the exponential dependence? I sure don't. I see a bunch of crap.

Christ, this was such a waste of my time.

Banking on my hopes that whoever grades this will just look at the pictures, I drew an exponential through my noise. I believe the apparent legitimacy is enhanced by the fact that I used a complicated computer program to make the fit. I understand this is the same process by which the top quark was discovered.

Conclusion

Going into physics was the biggest mistake of my life. I should've declared CS. I still wouldn't have any women, but at least I'd be rolling in cash."

(Fig.1, a graph showing resistivity decreasing as temperature increases, did not make into this post. Sorry. I have no idea what fig.2b is)

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If you fail in America,

you still get a beer. [07.18.05]

===========================================================================

And God said, “Let there be a nudist camp.”

And there was a nudist camp. [07.29.05]

===========================================================================

Why are Jews angry with God?

There are no tailors, delis, or condos in the Garden of Eden. [07.29.05]

==========================================================================

After liberals teach people to be stupid, religion flourishes. [07.30.05]

=========================================================================

The conservative's head floated past the clouds

while the liberal's body oozed into the mud.

A rational animal laughed. [07.23 .05]

========================================================================

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DEMOCRAT, REPUBLICAN, OR SOUTHERNER?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family...

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation!?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

----------------------------------------------

As a born southerner, this one gave me a chuckle. Yee-haw!!!

--Dan Edge

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This has been my favorite joke for many years:

Q. Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

A. To get to the other...er...wait a minute...

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DEMOCRAT, REPUBLICAN, OR SOUTHERNER?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family...

What do you do?

[...]

~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

----------------------------------------------

As a born southerner, this one gave me a chuckle.  Yee-haw!!!

--Dan Edge

This is just... awesome. Totally awesome.

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This is one of the funnier things I have read about in a while:

clicky-click

"Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is a parody religion created to protest the decision by the Kansas State Board of Education to allow intelligent design to be taught in science classes alongside evolution."

...The "religion" has since become an Internet phenomenon that has garnered many followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (sometimes referring to themselves as "Pastafarians", a pun on Rastafarians) who claim to have been touched by "His Noodly Appendage" and preach the word of their "noodly master" as the one true religion...."

...Global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct consequence of the decline in numbers of pirates since the 1800s. A graph showing the inverse correlation between the pirates and global temperatures was also provided. This was presumably intended to highlight the logical fallacy of correlation implying causation"

:)

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This is one that my dad likes to tell...

There's a tent revival in the area, and the farmer's wife has invited several congregationists back to the house for tea with the visiting preachers. They are gathered around the fireplace talking, when the old farmer comes in out of the snow. "Brrr!" he shivers. "It's cold as hell out there!"

One of the young preachers pipes up and asks, "How do you know, have you ever been there?"

"Yep," the old man answers.

"Well, what's it like?"

"Same as here... can't get to the fire for all the preachers."

My near-hatred for faith left me in uncontrollable laughter at this one!

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Carlos,

I just stumbled onto Flying Spaghetti Monsterism today, and have already ordained myself a Pastafarian Minister, formally "He Who Serves the Noodly Appendage." I think I'll even get a bumper sticker!

The graph that guy made showing the statistical correlation between rising temperatures and the pirate population is particularly convincing :)

--Dan Edge

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"Global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct consequence of the decline in numbers of pirates since the 1800s. A graph showing the inverse correlation between the pirates and global temperatures was also provided. This was presumably intended to highlight the logical fallacy of correlation implying causation."

*laughs* Yeah, I thought that was the funniest part.

I still think this picture is hilarious as well:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/comm...y_Appendage.jpg

You could probably get a bumper sticker of their logo that parodies the Jesus fish:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:FSMshirt.jpg

*laughs again* Good stuff :)

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While on business in Utah this week, I was attracted to this headline in The Deseret Morning News.

Disclaimer: My business in Utah does NOT involve bible sales!

P.S. Those who prefer their pasta al dente are heretics !!! :)

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As a follow-up on the Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (may His Noodlyness be blessed) here is a link to replies from three different Kansas School-Board members who support maintaining high standards in science and are strongly against the attempt to add Creationism into the curriculum:

http://venganza.org/response.htm

Apparently the final vote to decide whether Creation-Science makes it into the curriculum will occur this coming October:

I am extremely interested in seeing what comes of this issue.

Here are some more of their shirt ideas:

http://venganza.org/images/00iwant.jpg

http://venganza.org/images/00shirtdin.jpg

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Carlos,

My understanding was that the vote had already happened, and was decided in favor of the creationists, but I may be wrong.

--Dan Edge

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Dan, that's what I thought first until I read the replies from Kansas School-Board members:

"...The final vote on the standards will be in October. We will be in Lawrence, Kansas for that meeting. Those of us who are moderates on the board are trying to have the meeting in the Natural History Museum at the University of Kansas. We think that would be an appropriate setting for the occasion. We welcome you to be in attendance..."

He received this email on: "Date: Aug 16, 2005 8:19 AM"

It was found through this link I posted earlier:

http://venganza.org/response.htm

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To get back to serious matters:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car

and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.

The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more

agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked the officer.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a small square mirror, looked at it, and handed

it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

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