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Jokes

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Werner Heisenberg might have slept here.

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This joke is just a little something in the spirit of Halloween! :wacko:

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?….What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never

encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered….is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT….make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

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Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now….what is the moral to this story?

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The moral is…..

If you don’t let a woman have her own way….

Things are going to get ugly.

:blink:

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There are basically two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide people into two kinds, and those who don't.

Here's another:

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who can count, and those who can't.

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Here's another:

There are two kinds of people in the world:  Those who can count, and those who can't.

Here's another:

There are three kinds of people in the world: Those who can count, and those who can't.

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Here's another:

There are three kinds of people in the world: Those who can count, and those who can't.

Continuing in this vein...

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't."

-Jared

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Continuing in this vein...

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't."

-Jared

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Woops, next time I'll do a search before I post. This one has been shared at least three times already. :)

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I was browsing for a violin teacher online and I found this.... link. :)

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The story stands discredited.  But, what made it funny to me was not so much that Diderot was taken in, but rather the vision of a well-known mathematician using such a simple equation to "demonstrate" that "donc Dieu existe!"

Actually, that story reads like a set-up, of this sort:

A Queen has summoned a mathematician, Mathematician X, to put Philosopher Y, an annoying atheist, in his place. Mathematician X starts it off:

"2^oo > oo. Therefore, God exists. Refute this!"

Philosopher Y responds: "Wait; hold fast. There is a logical error: the second proposition does not follow from the first."

The Queen interjects, to Philosopher Y: "No; the second does not follow from the first. Would you be so good as to elaborate on why?"

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I was browsing for a violin teacher online and I found this.... link.  :)

Now that is just genuinely weird and funny :D

Really, what are the chances of finding something like that?

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Now that is just genuinely weird and funny :)

Really, what are the chances of finding something like that?

Actually, some of this stuff is quite useful, like this. It's just what every person needs to know to survive in our modern age.

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Zombies! :)

Here is Bob Hope's take on zombies

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If popular culture has taught us anything, it is that someday mankind must face and destroy the growing robot menace.  In print and on the big screen we have been deluged with scenarios of robot malfunction, misuse, and outright rebellion. Robots have descended on us from outer space, escaped from top-secret laboratories, and even traveled back in time to destroy us. Today, scientists are working hard to bring these artificial creations to life. In Japan, fuzzy little real robots are delivering much appreciated hug therapy to the elderly. Children are frolicking with smiling robot toys. It all seems so innocuous. And yet how could so many Hollywood scripts be wrong?  So take no chances. Arm yourself with expert knowledge. For the sake of humanity, listen to serious advice from real robotics experts. How else will you survive the inevitable future in which robots rebel against their human masters?

How can logic like that possibly be wrong?

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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the

Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little

old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?

They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes. "

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy

a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over

that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely

restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you

need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.

Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was

sitting at his table.

The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill.

Could you not find it?"

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in

without a tie!"

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Really, what are the chances of finding something like that?

Nowadays - I don't know. I found my first violin teacher from the same website. Until something caught my attention - zombies! Though I'm not interested on them and I don't find them fascinating :) !

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... "I found it all right," rasped the Arab.  "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Does this mean the price for a tie went up to $300?

Nowadays - I don't know. I found my first violin teacher from the same website. Until something caught my attention - zombies! Though I'm not interested on them and I don't find them fascinating :) !

Every time I've run into zombies at parties, they seemed pretty stiff. Their conversational skills were pretty dead, too. Don't even get me going on their table manners!

:D

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I'm not sure if this is technically within the scope of the jokes thread, but oh well:

Unless you've been living under a rock you should know that for quite some time now on the Conan O'Brian Late Night Show there has been this huge lever by Conan's desk that he would pull to show a completely random Walker Texas Ranger clip. Apparently they got in trouble briefly over copyright issues, but once that was settled they shamelessly went back to pulling this stupid lever ridiculously often, until finally, a climactic showdown occurred:

I think this is outrageously hilarious: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2308924671917766012

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I just recently read some more "Conan Hates my Homeland" bits and I have to put them on here:

Cuba

Where "high-tech" means you've got a radio on your homemade raft.

Albania

The perfect getaway for people who love Kosovo, but hate the working phone service.

Kyrgystan

If your country could afford vowels, you could spell "this place sucks."

Iceland

I'm amazed you don't have a military. How do you protect your 85,000 square miles of uninhabitable land?

Colombia

You'll come for the enticing beauty of the Caribbean Sea. You'll stay because you've been kidnapped and locked in the trunk of a Dodge Dart.

Bosnia & Herzegovina

Nothing spells a bright future like signing your peace accord in Dayton, Ohio.

:):)

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"A picture is worth a hundred words..." Here are some concrete examples to demonstrate the meaning of femininity in real-life situations.

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This link has over 300 "proofs" for the existence of God. Some of them are pretty funny.

Here are a couple:

ARGUMENT FROM CREATION

(1) If evolution is false, then creationism is true, and therefore God exists.

(2) Evolution can't be true, since I lack the mental capacity to understand it; moreover, to accept its truth would cause me to be uncomfortable

(3) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM INTIMIDATION

(1) See this bonfire?

(2) Therefore, God exists.

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Somehow that reminds me of a phrase that I've thought would be a good bumper sticker: Why don't you go to Heaven and leave the Earth for the rest of us?

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