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Free Capitalist

The Messiah

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And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.

The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little blow.

When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community organisation with the Prophet Jeremiah and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among themselves: “Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and minds to the audacity of hope?”

In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary he smote the conniving Hillary, wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of Working Class Whites.

He travelled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue that consisted only of his loyal disciples from the tribe of the Media. He ventured first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where the Taleban had harboured the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror on all the world.

And the Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed the Caveats that had previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued the forces of the light were triumphant. For as long as the Child stood with his arms raised aloft, the enemy suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no more.

From there he went forth to Mesopotamia where he was received by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto him and blessed his Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it.

And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the Great Surge of Armour that the evil Bush had ordered had been a terrible mistake, a waste of vital military resources and doomed to end in disaster, the Child's very presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for the forces of the light.

And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to speak with the Child and saw that the Child was the bringer of peace. At the mention of his name they quickly laid aside their intrigues and beat their uranium swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares.

From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate seated on an ass. The crowds of network anchors who had followed him from afar cheered “Hosanna” and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his feet.

In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child spake to the Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in peace.

As word spread throughout the land about the Child's wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites.

And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of the Child's journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over.

The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one generations had been waiting for.

And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond tree, and the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again.

Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel. In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were uninsured. And all because the Child had pronounced it.

And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw it all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of The New York Times.

Then the Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestine and stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear his voice, and he preached to them at length.

But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the crowd was hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours they had waited for him.

And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they had was five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the bread and the frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples to feed the multitudes. And when all had eaten their fill, the scraps filled twelve baskets.

Thence he travelled west to Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she was great in love with the Child, but he was tempted not.

On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles to the ancient land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with open arms by the once great prophet Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the Golden One.

And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and singing: “Yes, We Can.”

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/c...icle4392846.ece

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B) I had read this last week, and nearly spilled my coffee in the process. Thanks for posting it.

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It's funny, I was talking to a friend about liberal objections to Bush's call for oil drilling. She said the next time someone tells her we can't drill ourselves out of the problem, she's going to say, "YES WE CAN!"

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It's funny, I was talking to a friend about liberal objections to Bush's call for oil drilling. She said the next time someone tells her we can't drill ourselves out of the problem, she's going to say, "YES WE CAN!"

My liberal brother told me just last week it was a waste of time to drill because there was no oil in Alaska or off the Gulf Coast. When I asked him where he heard such a thing, he said it was common knowledge - "google it." I ask him why was China drilling, "Oh that belongs to Cuba." He was also on a rampage about the amount of subsidies the oil companies get from the gov't and the fact that the taxpayers were getting screwed when the oil companies drilled in the Gulf (where there is no oil) because they only had to pay $20 an acre for mineral rights versus $1500 an acre on private land. He was also determined to prove the Iraq war was only about oil.

I told him I had to hang up, my head was killing me from all his contradictions. Unfortunately, I discovered that there isn't enough aspirin in the world to cure a headache from that much "Non A" verbosity.

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The Onion nails it again:

'Time' Publishes Definitive Obama Puff Piece

"No news publication has dared to barely scratch the surface like this before," columnist and campaign reporter Michael King wrote in The Washington Post Tuesday. "This profile sets a benchmark for mindless filler by which all other features about Sen. Obama will now be judged. Just impressive puff-journalism all around."

At least according to Fox News, the two candidates are polling close to even. If Obama were somehow to lose, The Gore-Bush controversy would likely pale in comparison. There would simply be no other explanation than a massive conspiracy to deprive the anointed one of his birthright.

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I told him I had to hang up, my head was killing me from all his contradictions. Unfortunately, I discovered that there isn't enough aspirin in the world to cure a headache from that much "Non A" verbosity.

One premise that many people should check is whether the time they spend interacting with specific family members is actually in one's self-interest, or is just a Kantian moral duty time-waster from the past. There are enough annoying things that are out of one's control, that one shouldn't waste opportunities to remove annoying things that *are* in one's total control.

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At least according to Fox News, the two candidates are polling close to even.

I think the combination of an unpopular self-sacrificial war that McCain wants to continue, and his age with a history of cancer, heavily work against him, over and above his other liabilities. I will be surprised if he wins. I would not be surprised if he loses by a larger than expected margin.

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