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bignosedcopperking

I will share my writings with this forum

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[My latest poem. I have rhymed again. I am proud of this poem].

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Before Your Labor Day

By Jose Gainza

....And lift you in my arms through bathroom doors,

Lay you in my tub to bathe away our night,

And resist your call to join you with all might.

A beautiful poem, Jose. Very vivid and alive and sweetly musical. You should be proud.

Thank you very much. I apreciate it. Actually I've been reading it over and over since yesterday.

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Now, Jose, since this sonnet is mainly formed of iambics, why not try to see if it can be improved by adhereing more closely to the iambic form. Suppose the first two lines to be thus:

As rays of dawn race down to brush your face,

And while your eyes shut softly on my pillow,

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Now, Jose, since this sonnet is mainly formed of iambics, why not try to see if it can be improved by adhereing more closely to the iambic form. Suppose the first two lines to be thus:

As rays of dawn race down to brush your face,

And while your eyes shut softly on my pillow,

Well that's why I don't consider myself a real poet yet, though many of my poems have much promise: I never learned the rules. I write what I hear in my head and what sounds good to me in the moment and while I edit. I would have to check out one of my poetry books to understand exactly what you mean. Thanks for the advice though. Since I like this poem so much, I think I might do that. And then write some more sonnets.

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Now, Jose, since this sonnet is mainly formed of iambics, why not try to see if it can be improved by adhereing more closely to the iambic form. Suppose the first two lines to be thus:

As rays of dawn race down to brush your face,

And while your eyes shut softly on my pillow,

Well that's why I don't consider myself a real poet yet, though many of my poems have much promise: I never learned the rules. I write what I hear in my head and what sounds good to me in the moment and while I edit. I would have to check out one of my poetry books to understand exactly what you mean. Thanks for the advice though. Since I like this poem so much, I think I might do that. And then write some more sonnets.

It's much a matter of listening closely. In your first line "As the rays of dawn race to brush your face" the first four syllables (As the rays of) carry such little weight that when one gets to "race" one tends to hold it a little, slowing the movement down---the opposite of racing. In my first line ("race down") there is a sense of speed, which is representative of the idea of "race". The regular iambic rhythm facilitates this, it is not just an abstract rule, and a good poet will at times purposely "break" the rule when it serves his purpose. Regular rhythm in poetry serves the same purpose as in music---it expresses (or aids in the expression of) a specific emotion or mood, and as the emotion remains what it is, so do the rhythmical means of expressing it remain consistently the same.

You might look up George Lansing Raymond's "Poetry As A Representative Art, published sometime in the late 19th century.

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[My latest poem. I have rhymed again. I am proud of this poem].

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before Your Labor Day

By Jose Gainza

As the rays of dawn race to brush your face,

While your eyes are shut softly on my pillow,

The scent of rind will awaken your embrace,

Shine a smile on me that has no touch of sorrow.

This orange skin caresses cheeks this new born morn,

Ere I peel the fruit in our fragrant, windowed room.

Of tears of joy and gasps of mirth you warn,

As I feed you slices sweet; your feast assume.

The trickling dew upon your chin I kiss away,

And soon the circle of my lips will circle yours,

And the duvet cloud embracing you I'll throw away,

And lift you in my arms through bathroom doors,

Lay you in my tub to bathe away our night,

And resist your call to join you with all might.

This poem has been re-christened (renamed) because I have featured it in a screenplay I just finished writing. It's new name is A Morning Legende.

And you can listen to me recite it here: http://josegainza.podomatic.com/player/web/2011-08-12T13_24_12-07_00

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